St. Valentine's Day

Some of you Architecturalists (and even some Colbinistas) out there might be wondering what I've done for St. Valentine's Day.

Well, for starters, I sent my ex-girlfriend (Carmen Elektra) some flowers a few weeks ago in preparation for today. Today, I got a phone call from her lawyer, so things must be looking up! She never acknowledged me before without whining about how much she misses me. Just goes to show, time heals all wounds, and flowers tests the band-aid.

Then I sat around, watching the President's Truth Address this morning. It was truly riveting!

After a while, I went to work, did my Party-mandated 18-hour work day. After that, I watched a taping of "St. Valentine's Day Massacre" on the History Channel. After all these years, they still don't know why St. Valentine didn't intervene :(.

Then I got on these Internets to nail some people. Unfortunately, much of the Internets is awash in reports of a "plan to get us out of Iraq". Sickened, I gave up (don't they know the Greatest President Ever(!) has the plan perfectly formed in his mind?)... Before I left, though, I found an article (blogged about below), and nailed some liberals hard (in the balls too!), and did a small victory dance (like Stephen did last Thursday to celebrate his favorite song winning a Grammy ("My Humps" by Black-Eyed Peas). That song owns!).

So, as I finish this, I have one thing to say, Nation: You better put more cowbell in my soylent green!

Why George W. Bush is the Greatest President EVER!

Well, it's no surprise to fellow Colbinistas that GWB is the Greatest President EVER! Still, there's some liberal hippies who disagree. Well, I'd like to persuade you to the Truth.

Wars
First off, what more do you need to be great than to lead God's Country (that's America for you non-Colbinistas) in a glorious war to defeat the tyrants of the world? Better yet, he's even offered to establish democracy (but not democrat-ism) in these newly saved countries. After that, he's going to teach them the ways of Baby Jesus, and the ways of the Party. In short, he's going to make the world like God's Country, and with this, God is well pleased...

Crisis
No other great President responded so well to the various crises that have presented themselves during the rightful reign of the Administration.

9/11 was a great moment for him. Grand speeches and an opportunity to offer the common individual a sense that "we'll get them back", it was a time when he truly shined. He led us through a grave disaster and organized us all (except the evil Dixie Chicks, who are dead to me) so that we could come back (The Empire Strikes Back, if you will).

Katrina was his crowning achievement, a city upon a hill of how to handle a crisis. What better way to help them out than to fly around in a helicopter and direct traffic? Better yet, he purposefully saved Federal aid until the last minute to prevent all the con artists and hippies from taking it all. Don't you see, he was helping God's Country by sacrificing a few.

In 2007, the Greatest President EVER! will save us all from impending nuclear blasts by sacrificing the city of San Francisco for the Cause (admittedly SF is just full of liberal hippies). In retaliation, he'll invade Canada and finally bring our rebellious cousins to order.

Policy
Who can argue with his policy? From domestic politics to foreign issues, he's continually proven that he is truly the GPE! From saving Federal aid to Katrina victims until after the con artists left to cutting the national debt down to a mere $0.02 (that part is yours, Nation), he's single-handedly saved us all from economic downfall.

Then there's his education policy. NCLB was a step in the right direction, but as he is the GPE!, he'll soon offer to "up the ante" by training our children to kill their rivals in business (literally). After that, it's a short hop to training kids to kill all bears and sharks (and horses and jellyfish), making God's Country the safest country EVER!

He's also opposed to every social service that liberal hippies use instead of getting a job. He also opposes anti-global climate change initiatives because they harm God's Country's economic potential. He even opposes privacy rights (because if you worry about it, you must be a terrorist), something I oppose heavily as well (I've even wiretapped my own phone and computer. I sleep better knowing the FBI, DHS and NSA all know what I'm talking about and writing about).

He's even pro-oil, which you can't find anywhere else in subsequent attempts by others to become the GPE! I personally drink a gallon of raw, unfiltered oil every day for breakfast, to lubricate my body for the day's truth-telling. It's my hope that Mr. President will drill enough oil to let me do this until the day I die.

But, the greatest of his policies is on this oft-heard-of,-but-never-experienced-by-my-virginal-self, sex. He's completely against it, something I'm in total agreement on. It destroys your mind, and makes you want to sleep all day long. Fortunately for us all, he's slowly outlawing this insane practice, which should boost productivity across the board.

SOTU
Read my post on it, available here.

Decider
He's the decider. It's a true test of anyone's greatness to decide every major decision and to consequentially get them all right.

Conclusion
He's truly the greatest President EVER!, and unlike what Dr. Colbert says, he'll never stop being President. Know how? He's going to skillfully change his name and run as both the Democrat and Republican candidates in 2008, proving just how great he is! He'll keep doing this until the day he "dies" (in 9595, after we're all Raptured, Jesus will allow him to lead the world. I say "dies" because he'll be sent to Heaven to get his orders from Jesus Himself).

State of the Union

First off, I'd like to congratulate President Bush (the greatest President EVER!) on his simplified-for-liberals speech. The real SOTU, if given today, would last until next year (it's that great and powerful). Actually, the speech would last a week, but the applause would just keep going long after he left. It's a good thing, though, since now the Democrats can finally finish their "first 100 hours" that they never finished (after 42 hours, they just up and quit, the liberal slackers!).

If you're wondering why this report is so late, I just got done applauding not even 10 minutes ago (told you it was that powerful). Too bad Dr. Colbert had to do his show, otherwise he'd probably still be applauding (I bow to his greatness).

Now, the President started off by congratulating Ms. Pelosi (Madame Hippie). That's all good and well, but why did people applaud? I personally booed when I heard her, and every time she even blinked, I screamed "liberal hippie!". She's on notice, by the way...

Yet we're all held to the same standards, and called to serve the same good purposes: To extend this nation's prosperity; to spend the people's money wisely; to solve problems, not leave them to future generations; to guard America against all evil; and to keep faith with those we have sent forth to defend us.

Actually, Mr. President (if I may call you that), I don't think the hippies want to do this. After all, they're the people who continually spend public money to pay off interns so they "don't speak", open God's Country up to terrorists (Clinton was responsible for 9/11), and they actively oppose all religion (even atheism). You would be hard-pressed to find a single new (liberal hippie) Congressional member who would agree with you on these points.

Our citizens don't much care which side of the aisle we sit on...

Actually, Mr. President, I care very much which side of the aisle people sit on. If you're on the left, you're a good person, and if you're not (ie on the right), you need to die (for being a hippie).

Now, about NCLB, if we're going to increase their math and science skills, why not their killing skills? If they have to be competitive, they must know how to kill commies and hippies that are trying to take their jobs.

Extending hope and opportunity in our country requires an immigration system worthy of America -- with laws that are fair and borders that are secure.

Yes, laws that state "Party members only" and "Hippies not allowed".

We should establish a legal and orderly path for foreign workers to enter our country to work on a temporary basis.

"Because you're mine, I walk the line" -Immigrant song about willful indentured servitude to the Party.

It's in our vital interest to diversify America's energy supply -- the way forward is through technology. We must continue changing the way America generates electric power, by even greater use...

Come on, you know you want to say it. "By even greater use of slave labor provided by immigrants". It is the Party way after all!

And so as we continue to diversify our fuel supply, we must step up domestic oil production in environmentally sensitive ways. (Applause.) And to further protect America against severe disruptions to our oil supply, I ask Congress to double the current capacity of the Strategic Petroleum Reserve.

Yes, we must "protect" the penguins in Alaska (by relocating them to Texas, deep inside God's Country) and double the SPR (by creating a series of tubes to make God's Country one big oil field (as it was supposed to be before the hippies came)).

As President, I have a duty to nominate qualified men and women to vacancies on the federal bench. And the United States Senate has a duty, as well, to give those nominees a fair hearing, and a prompt up-or-down vote on the Senate floor.

As opposed to the standard left-right vote.

With the distance of time, we find ourselves debating the causes of conflict and the course we have followed. Such debates are essential when a great democracy faces great questions. Yet one question has surely been settled: that to win the war on terror we must take the fight to the enemy.

I don't debate the course, I'd rather stay it. We are the Greatest Country EVER! We must take the fight to Canada!

In the sixth year since our nation was attacked, I wish I could report to you that the dangers had ended. They have not. And so it remains the policy of this government to use every lawful and proper tool of intelligence, diplomacy, law enforcement, and military action to do our duty, to find these enemies, and to protect the American people.

Party members only, Mr. President...

This is not the fight we entered in Iraq, but it is the fight we're in. Every one of us wishes this war were over and won. Yet it would not be like us to leave our promises unkept, our friends abandoned, and our own security at risk.

Like the hippies want.

Iraq's leaders know that our commitment is not open-ended.

Yes, they must become Party members.

For America, this is a nightmare scenario. -President Bush predicting a democrat president in 2008

We went into this largely united, in our assumptions and in our convictions. And whatever you voted for, you did not vote for failure.

Unless you're a liberal...

It's why I propose to establish a special advisory council on the war on terror, made up of leaders in Congress from both political parties.

Party members and "other".

With the other members of the Quartet -- the U.N., the European Union, and Russia -- we're pursuing diplomacy to help bring peace to the Holy Land

Excuse me, Mr. President, but the real Quartet is: Dr. Stephen T. Colbert D.F.A, (The Greatest) President (EVER!) George W. Bush, Baby Jesus, and Rob The Architect (not in order of importance).

Our work in the world is also based on a timeless truth: To whom much is given, much is required.

Taken from the Greatest Comic Book Superhero EVER! (Truthifully, if Spiderman was in Iraq, the war would've been over 2 Tuesdays after it started).

When America serves others in this way, we show the strength and generosity of our country. These deeds reflect the character of our people.

Our gut, if you will...

The greatest strength we have is the heroic kindness, courage, and self-sacrifice of the American people.

And bronze balls of steel.

You see this spirit often if you know where to look -- and tonight we need only look above to the gallery.

I waved :P

From his Humvee, Sergeant Rieman returned fire; he used his body as a shield to protect his gunner. He was shot in the chest and arm, and received shrapnel wounds to his legs -- yet he refused medical attention, and stayed in the fight. He helped to repel a second attack, firing grenades at the enemy's position. For his exceptional courage, Sergeant Rieman was awarded the Silver Star. And like so many other Americans who have volunteered to defend us, he has earned the respect and the gratitude of our entire country.

And that of the entire Colbert Nation.

In such courage and compassion, ladies and gentlemen, we see the spirit and character of America -- and these qualities are not in short supply. This is a decent and honorable country -- and resilient, too. We've been through a lot together. We've met challenges and faced dangers, and we know that more lie ahead. Yet we can go forward with confidence -- because the State of our Union is strong, our cause in the world is right, and tonight that cause goes on. God bless.

That's right liberals, he said it! That's why he's the Greatest President EVER!

See you next year.

Well, obviously after such a great speech, he'll have to rest. Even God rested on the seventh day...

Thank you for your prayers.

Be sure to pray to Dr. Colbert, or at least Baby Jesus.


Wasn't that the Greatest SOTU you've ever seen? Of course it was, because the Greatest President EVER(!) gave it, and anything he does or says is automatically great. If you disagree, you're a liberal hippie who needs to report to Gitmo ASAP.