The Last St. Paddy's Day?

Well, Nation, Dr. Colbert, in his infinate wisdom, has had a premonition about St. Patrick's day.

After some time to let the pain settle down, I must tell you all the Truth: there will be no more St. Patrick's Day.

Unfortunately, it seems the people of that entire kingdom (the kingdom of the united, to be precise) are identical in every way. In fact, the differences that people have seen for centuries has been the result of people too drunk (with power or libation) or stupid (re: drunk) to see the similarities.

Dr. Colbert broke this horrific news on 3-15-07, giving us two whole days to cry and drink the memory out of us all. It seems the only way to save St. Paddy's Day is to genetically modify the English (the dogs they are), so that they more represent Antarcticans than anything else. Unfortunately, the English are already drawing up plans to modify/kill the Irish, and thanks to their "British Engineering", are almost guaranteed to finish before "Inebriated Irishmen" come close to figuring out how to power such a machine off pure potato power.

So, I'll tell you the tale of the last St. Paddy's Day from my perspective: I slept. As an Architecturalist (and more importantly, as The Architect), I'm not supposed to drink (unless there's plenty of beer and it's about to mysteriously "go bad" in a sealed can in a refrigerator). So, I slept off the majority of the day, wondering if I might wake up to a nuclear winter (a lot of loyalty in the St. Paddy's Day tradition). Fortunately, that wasn't the case (unfortunately, San Frangaydo and Massaheretics still exist).

Hopefully the English can save St. Paddy's Day without taking away the true heroes of it: the Irish. I'd rather see them destroy the Scottish (don't you know they're all cross-dressing freaks of nature?) or perhaps the Welsh (although they make good grape juice, they're horrible cheats!). Then we can re-name the Irish the (afflicted group that was decimated), and the (afflicted, decimated group) the Irish. See, I just saved St. Paddy's Day!

For this, St. Patrick's Day (3-17) is now an Architectural holiday, for the grand salvation of the United Kingdom (minus the Scottish/Welsh) by RTA. Victory dance time!

St. Valentine's Day

Some of you Architecturalists (and even some Colbinistas) out there might be wondering what I've done for St. Valentine's Day.

Well, for starters, I sent my ex-girlfriend (Carmen Elektra) some flowers a few weeks ago in preparation for today. Today, I got a phone call from her lawyer, so things must be looking up! She never acknowledged me before without whining about how much she misses me. Just goes to show, time heals all wounds, and flowers tests the band-aid.

Then I sat around, watching the President's Truth Address this morning. It was truly riveting!

After a while, I went to work, did my Party-mandated 18-hour work day. After that, I watched a taping of "St. Valentine's Day Massacre" on the History Channel. After all these years, they still don't know why St. Valentine didn't intervene :(.

Then I got on these Internets to nail some people. Unfortunately, much of the Internets is awash in reports of a "plan to get us out of Iraq". Sickened, I gave up (don't they know the Greatest President Ever(!) has the plan perfectly formed in his mind?)... Before I left, though, I found an article (blogged about below), and nailed some liberals hard (in the balls too!), and did a small victory dance (like Stephen did last Thursday to celebrate his favorite song winning a Grammy ("My Humps" by Black-Eyed Peas). That song owns!).

So, as I finish this, I have one thing to say, Nation: You better put more cowbell in my soylent green!