The Last St. Paddy's Day?

Well, Nation, Dr. Colbert, in his infinate wisdom, has had a premonition about St. Patrick's day.

After some time to let the pain settle down, I must tell you all the Truth: there will be no more St. Patrick's Day.

Unfortunately, it seems the people of that entire kingdom (the kingdom of the united, to be precise) are identical in every way. In fact, the differences that people have seen for centuries has been the result of people too drunk (with power or libation) or stupid (re: drunk) to see the similarities.

Dr. Colbert broke this horrific news on 3-15-07, giving us two whole days to cry and drink the memory out of us all. It seems the only way to save St. Paddy's Day is to genetically modify the English (the dogs they are), so that they more represent Antarcticans than anything else. Unfortunately, the English are already drawing up plans to modify/kill the Irish, and thanks to their "British Engineering", are almost guaranteed to finish before "Inebriated Irishmen" come close to figuring out how to power such a machine off pure potato power.

So, I'll tell you the tale of the last St. Paddy's Day from my perspective: I slept. As an Architecturalist (and more importantly, as The Architect), I'm not supposed to drink (unless there's plenty of beer and it's about to mysteriously "go bad" in a sealed can in a refrigerator). So, I slept off the majority of the day, wondering if I might wake up to a nuclear winter (a lot of loyalty in the St. Paddy's Day tradition). Fortunately, that wasn't the case (unfortunately, San Frangaydo and Massaheretics still exist).

Hopefully the English can save St. Paddy's Day without taking away the true heroes of it: the Irish. I'd rather see them destroy the Scottish (don't you know they're all cross-dressing freaks of nature?) or perhaps the Welsh (although they make good grape juice, they're horrible cheats!). Then we can re-name the Irish the (afflicted group that was decimated), and the (afflicted, decimated group) the Irish. See, I just saved St. Paddy's Day!

For this, St. Patrick's Day (3-17) is now an Architectural holiday, for the grand salvation of the United Kingdom (minus the Scottish/Welsh) by RTA. Victory dance time!

Pat Robertson

Well, Nation, after a little mix-up at the Colbert Nation, I've decided to do a little piece on Pat Robertson, the Greatest Preacher Ever (not to be confused with the GPE, GWB).

Well, little is known about Mr. Robertson (other than that he's not related to Mrs. Roberson of the Beatles fame). He's a patriot, that much is true. He continually makes Baby Jesus happy through is ministries, and is a sub-Architect in Architecturalism.

He was born in 1757 in Delaware (AKA first American state) by God, after God called out the Limeys because of their liking of tea, and has approximately 30% of Jesus' power. Basically, he's allergic to nails and lacks Jesus' staying power when around them.

Pat is a proud supporter of our troops, and has even served a record 42 terms in Iraq (simultaneous terms because he can clone himself). He's fought in every war since the Revolutionary war (some have confuse him with Gen. Washington. He is Gen. Washington), and has lead this Nation to greatness time and again.

Above that, he's a strict prohibitionist (never touched alcohol in his life), and strict celibate (his children are of equally divine origin). His wife is a resurrected Mary Magdalane (Virgin Mary doesn't like people named "Pat"), and she's a very big fan as leader of the men-only Bible group. She can preach so loud, you can hear it in the bell tower.

Pat currently leads several missions to Jerusalem, where he'll complete his world-famous "Seven Thousand Foot-tall Steeple", which will house a 1000-foot tall Jesus statue made entirely out of gold (no frankincense and myrrh could be found in such vast quantities). Current estimates place it as costing 2 million after-church brunches and 66 6-hour funding telethons. It will be built through "faith, charity and infidels (labor)", and will be completed as soon as "God grants" and "so long as God doesn't grant me another vision" (we all know how divine intervention just destroys your building plans with massive upgrades for that very necessary series of plasma tvs and 7.1 surround sound throughout the building).

Pat's ultimate goal in life is to succeed RTA (me) as the second Architect. After that, he plans to "revamp" Architecturalism with some "very necessary, but secret" improvements (along the lines of saving every non-Architecturalist out there and waging a massive holy war against the FSM). For this, he's punitively "On Notice" until he apologizes to Baby Jesus.

Archbishop of NAILED

Nation, I've met someone I'm immediately proclaiming the first Archbishop of NAILED (Nailing the Allegedly Insane Liberal Episcopalianly Diseased).

Here is an American who fights daily for the Truth. While he or she (I don't know, I only see Americans divided into liberals and Party Members, not gender, race, religion, ethnicity, country of origin, or any of the other "fancy stuff" you non-Colbinistas see (like what country they actually do live in and call their own. You're all Americans in my book!)) knows it or not, they're fighting alongside their oppressed brethren/sisteren of Architecturalism.

See, we Architecturalists are often the most oppressed for our beliefs, because no one understands them. How could they, they don't understand the Truth, and without that, there's nothing we can do to help. They look at us, and mock us.... especially our sexual preferences (asexuality (Architecturalism's foundation) is a joke to them, and the thought of proper bisexuality (the only alternative to asexuality) is abhorrent to them). Worse yet, they look at our hatred (not fear, for we don't fear anything but Dr. Colbert's and God's wrath and fury) of bears, bees, dogs, lobsters, owls, and sharks; and think we're insane for calling them "killing machines". Just because they can't understand the Truth doesn't mean it's not true (especially if my gut says it's so).

Now, as first Archbishop of NAILED, his/her/it's responsibility will be to uphold the Truths we find self-evident (that God and Dr. Colbert exist, asexuality is the only true path, the Hated Ones (listed above) are "killing machines" and that Tek Jansen will be our ultimate messiah (for you Christian converts, consider Him to be Jesus, just with a different name), and that the Party is the only acceptable party), and to spread the word of Architecturalism (and to... you know... not get into a jihad with any other religions/cults/factions, except secular progressives, Atheists and liberal hippies who fail to see the Truth).

In order to help him/her/it out, I'm issuing it/her/him my golden nail gun. Use it wisely to nail the opponents of our faith and the nay-sayers who want to see our belief mocked on MSNBC. You also are granted (by me, the first Pope of Architecturalism, AKA The Architect) to issue or revoke balls or Thatchers to anyone who you think can help us in our great cause. When you do, just be sure to e-mail me with it (should be at the top of the page) so I can keep a running count of all the converts to our righteous religion.

If you'd like, you can even CGI your own graphic to make your own shirts, badges, etc. to give to people. Feel free to make your own fliers and whatnot to educate to a broader audience. Just be sure to e-mail a copy of anything you make to me so that I may nail it if it's counter-Party or just plain offensive.

Though you may give a person the Truth, it will satisfy their gut for only a day, but if you teach a person the Truth (and thusly to tell the Truth), you satisfy their gut for all eternity. Go forth and make Truth-tellers of people; and may Dr. Colbert and God be with you!

Architecturalism

Architecturalism is my little spin-off of Stephenological Colbertism.

I disagree on things like "the 7 day week" - if God handed Stephen the Keys to the Castle on the 8th day, there should be 8 days in the week. In Architecturalism, this is called "Threatday", a day of threatening everyone you can. Obviously, to work this out with the Earth's natural rotation, we had to cut out February and March, but what can you do? If you have a birthday during those months, just move it - pick a random date that you like, and make that your new birthday (mine is May 13).

I also disagree on Dr. Colbert's divinity. We Architecturalists believe that Dr. Colbert an important person, but that he's not divine. Sure, God gave him control of the universe, but unknown to Dr. Colbert, God still has the last word. In fact, it's the only reason that Dr. Colbert hasn't forced Iran to just up an die: because God won't let him. As you can see, we're less about disagreeing on Dr. Colbert's divinity as we are against God's control of Dr. Colbert's power.

Most importantly, we disagree on asexuality. We believe that asexuality is a condition Dr. Colbert gave us so that we may devote our time more fully to his ministry. In Architecturalism, asexuality is the desired state, above virginality (because it's a gift from Dr. Colbert). In order to be asexual, you must either remove your organs (all of them, save for your heart and gut), or you must simply accept that after 40 years of living, you're never going to have sexual relations with anyone other than Brittany Spears (and only after she's had half the liquor in the great state of New York).

We also disagree on the afterlife. In Architecturalism, we feel that if you adhere to the faith, you get sucked into a 24/7 broadcast of the Colbert Report. Should you tire of that, you can go to the O'Reilly Factor or Fox News. If you just generally don't want intelligent reporting, you are left to wander the universe with Tek Jansen, and if you're really good, you're given the option of being one of his "hundreds of girlfriends" (if you're a male, you're reassigned, or given the option to be Tek for the (moments, as you've inferior self-control) it takes to... sure).

Of course, we also believe in a lot of SC's beliefs. For instance, we agree that bears are evil (as are sharks); but we extend this to include other evil animals, like dogs (vicious killing machines) and lobsters (they're fast, clamping machines); and we even add a new category: flying things (we hate bees and owls). We agree on the Colbible (read above about "7 day week"), and the importance of Tek Jansen to the ministry, to a point. In SC, he's just a person, but in Architecturalism, he's the future messiah of our people (he and his hundreds of girlfriends).

There are countless other items we believe in that differ from Stephenological Colbertism. I won't list them all, because every day, Baby Jesus leads me to develop Architecturalism more and more.

In Truthiness, we believe in a good 95% of Stephenological Colbertism, and don't want anything jihad-y to happen here. We just want to live in peace, and fight the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster alongside our SC compatriots. If Dr. Colbert calls us out to defend our faith, it'll have to be on our terms. Why? Because if we just willy-nilly got called out and fought the secular progressives, we'd look like jihadists, and that's not what we're about. So, take some time, Dr. Colbert, and think on what it means to call us out. Do you really want to get nailed on your own show?

I'll soon dedicate an entire website to our beliefs, and in the meantime, you can join Architecturalism by e-mailing me (provided at the top of the screen), with a subject title of "I want to be an Architecturalist". Until then, may Tek save the Nation!