Sunday, February 18, 2007

State of the Blog 002

Well, Archinistas, it's time for another "SotB", making this the second in an unknown series of blog updates. As a reminder, here's what it's all about:

From time to time, I'll post an update on what I plan to do with my blog, Architecturalism, any and all websites I create (ie the official ones), and anything else I feel pertains to the above. These updates happen pretty much whenever I feel like disclosing information or hyping up support for a new thing I plan to do. Any and all deadlines are not written in stone, and will be modified whenever it's apparent I'll miss a deadline.

Now, the websites I planned to create will be postponed. I do this because I was graced with an unprecedented 50-hour work week. While the little Party member in me dances, the Architecturalist in me (liberal hippie-type he tends to be at times. Don't worry, I'll soon kill the little bugger and we'll be 110% Party-oriented (instead of 101%)) whines that I really should work on the website and maybe even leave the house for a purpose other than work. As though there's anything else to do...

Second, I'm making a new theme (for Windows) that's patriotic and proud to no fault. It'll feature things I've... borrowed from the Internets (mostly the Republican Internet) and arranged in an star-spangled theme. I plan for it to have custom cursors (who likes the original pointer anyway? Who wouldn't like Lady Liberty pointing the way around these Internets?), a nice desktop wallpaper (bald eagle in front of flag, what more can I say?), a screensaver (with patriotic music in the background), and finally, a replacement boot screen (this'll be toughest to do, but worth it). Can you say "Freem"?

Third, those banners I plan to make are coming along nicely. I'll have them done as soon as I can get into Photoshop again (banned by the liberals for cropping my face onto the body of my future self. As though they can't tell that it's Wikiality, fools!).

Fourth, I realize that I really must re-do this blog's layout. It's fine and all, but seriously, it doesn't have enough gravitas to suit me. I need to really get my banners going and really give this place the uber-ballz it deserves to have (sure, bronze balls of steel are fine, but any more, it seems like they don't shine as much to me).

Fifth, I'll tell you all a secret. As an Architecturalist (and more importantly, the Architect), I can rather well decide what aspects of religion we can do around here. So, I'm announcing to you all (instead of threatening you like a lot of lesser religions) that we will participate in the usual Christian rite of Lent. Nothing big, just give something up for 40 days (and eat as much fish as you can handle. No, sushi doesn't count, it's un-American), and nights and weekends are free (better yet, nights start at 6pm, a full hour before Sprint says so! Days start at 6 am, however)! Now, doesn't that make us a better religion than the inferior Flying Spaghetti Monster deal?

For Lent (re-named Spring Sacrifice), I'm giving up nailing SPs (it's too much work walking around town nailing people left and right (mostly left)). Fortunately, nights and weekends are free, so the threatdown isn't relaxing all that much, mind you. There will also be an exception for obvious Secular Progressivism, so don't be too liberal (better yet, don't be a liberal). My nail gun will still be with me, but I'll only have one clip of nails...

Lastly, I'm declaring a threatdown against Avery, the bloggist who pretends s/he knows what Dr. Colbert is talking about (and operates the Colb-blog). I've had enough going to the site (still a great site) and finding that every other paragraph will end with "That's what I'm talking about!". Seriously, if you had a gut, you'd know that if people don't know what you're talking about after reading an entire paragraph, you obviously wouldn't have to tell people what you're "talking about".

Your "Diet Coke" revelation was so gutless, it just angers me. Only weak-minded liberals drink diet soda! True, Traditionalist Republicans drink only regular soda, (black) coffee (although it could be white, since I don't see color, gender, religion, or much of anything), and energy drinks. We never drink water, diet soda (wannabe water), tea (urine-water hybrid), milk (it comes from the teat of an animal, and that's not right!), or (the worst of them all) "nutritional drinks" (diet shakes, fitness water, etc).

About your mother prying your fingers from the keyboard, since when have you had two hands on the keyboard? Just a harmless question, after all...

Anyway, Avery's getting called out. I look forward to him posting on here, so I can delete his attempts to nail me. It's only fitting after all... Just for him, I'm going to load up my nail gun with a fresh clip.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

St. Valentine's Day

Some of you Architecturalists (and even some Colbinistas) out there might be wondering what I've done for St. Valentine's Day.

Well, for starters, I sent my ex-girlfriend (Carmen Elektra) some flowers a few weeks ago in preparation for today. Today, I got a phone call from her lawyer, so things must be looking up! She never acknowledged me before without whining about how much she misses me. Just goes to show, time heals all wounds, and flowers tests the band-aid.

Then I sat around, watching the President's Truth Address this morning. It was truly riveting!

After a while, I went to work, did my Party-mandated 18-hour work day. After that, I watched a taping of "St. Valentine's Day Massacre" on the History Channel. After all these years, they still don't know why St. Valentine didn't intervene :(.

Then I got on these Internets to nail some people. Unfortunately, much of the Internets is awash in reports of a "plan to get us out of Iraq". Sickened, I gave up (don't they know the Greatest President Ever(!) has the plan perfectly formed in his mind?)... Before I left, though, I found an article (blogged about below), and nailed some liberals hard (in the balls too!), and did a small victory dance (like Stephen did last Thursday to celebrate his favorite song winning a Grammy ("My Humps" by Black-Eyed Peas). That song owns!).

So, as I finish this, I have one thing to say, Nation: You better put more cowbell in my soylent green!


Well, Nation, it seems I made a bit of an "uh-oh" on a little comment I made somewhere on these vast Internets.

When I mentioned that: everyone knows all foreigners are men, and all women run around wearing scarfs on their heads screaming "Allah Ackbar!" and setting themselves on fire", what I really meant was: "all foreign folks on the Internets are men, and all foreign women... run around wearing scarfs on their heads screaming "Allah Ackbar!" and setting themselves on fire".

Another important clarification:
by "foreign", I mean those who aren't affiliated with God's country in any positive way. For instance, the UK (while technically foreign) and most of Europe (with the exception of France) are not included in this list. Also, if you're Canadian or from South America, you're asked to convert to Americanism before you can be treated as "non-foreign". It's simple, just reject your foreign-ness and accept the supremacy of the non-foreign countries (and the ultimate supremacy of God's Country).

So, as you can see, the only people who could possibly be offended (aside from ignorant liberals who think everyone else's problem is their own, and gay homosexuals/straight heterosexuals) would be your actual foreigners. Since we all know that they're the root of all evil (hence the "Axis of Evil" doesn't include God's Countries or our positive allies (read above)), we don't have to feel bad that they were "offended".

After all, they're offended at everything that happens. Just this past weekend, someone put a car bomb on my personal assistant's car. Jimmy never did like hospitals...

So, as you can clearly see, it's not that I'm "xenophobic" like you wordinistas claim (I hate big words), but that I feel the Truth in ways you can't fathom (er... understand. Fathom's too big-word-y).

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Iran's Involvement in Iraq

Nation, it's a great day for us all. Finally, the Greatest President Ever(!) has figured out who is killing our troops. It's not the insurgents like we once thought, but Iran.

These people are inherantly evil, wishing to do us only evil. Their "12 member ruling council" (also known as the "Knights of the Round Table" in Archland) and "President" (Ahmenijad) all wish death upon us, God's Country.

Worse yet, they are the insurgents. The people we're fighting over there aren't just little old Iraqis who feel we shouldn't be there, but Iranians disguised as Iraqis (something I hear is hard to do). The real Iraqis love us, have continually welcomed us as liberators, and continually support our troops (unlike the liberals).

The only thing that distresses me more than Iran's existance is how the liberals are painting this as a massive provocation of Iran so that we can invade them. The thing is, we don't need provocation. We already feel they're evil, and we're announcing to the world this feeling. All we're doing now is giving them a sort of "warning shot" before we go over there and nail them.

Unlike you liberals, we follow the Civilized Rules of War, which ask that we fire a warning shot before we go about nailing people en masse (assassinations are another thing). Without this, we'd be what? That's right, terrorists. I don't know about you, but I'm no terrorist.

Friday, February 2, 2007

State of the Blog 001

Well, Nation (if I may be so informal), I'm here to do a State of the Blog. This is the first SotB I've done for this site, so if you're lost, I'll fill you in.

A SotB address is like the SotU that the President gives every year. The only exception: I do mine whenever I feel like it. Namely this happens when I've a lot of stuff I'm planning to do, when I've done a lot (sort of a review of what happened), or when I get bored and want to write something, but don't have anything in particular to write about (sort of a general entry on whatever fills my head. These entries are long and as disorganized as the DNC).

This SotB is one of those "planning to do" entries.

First up, I plan to make a website dedicated to you, the heroes, featuring information about me, the Architect. It will have information about me (including my deepest, darkest secret), about Dr. Colbert, and about Republicanism (mainly why it's the only way Baby Jesus approves of).

Second, I'll make a website about Architecturalism. Believe it or not, BJ is still giving me tons of ideas. Thanks to His divine Providence (no, not the city), none of it conflicts! That just proves that the Baby Jesus wants to see Architecturalism come to light (instead of the dark).

Third, I'm going to go around preaching Architecturalism. It's not a difficult religion, really. In fact, were it not for the inclusion of Dr. Colbert and the list of Hated Beings, it'd barely be different from 101% of your other standard religions (namely worship BJ and the Party), like Stephenolgical Colbertism and Republicanism. Of course, it's somewhat different from your "human" religions (like Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, and Atheism (pure evil)). In fact, just to make sure we jive well with your "human" religions, I talked to a priest, who had this to say:

Architecturalism will surely destroy the Church. There's nothing more evil than a religion that accepts everyone (except straight heterosexuals, gay homosexuals, liberal secular progressives, democrats, and members of the FSM religion), and only wants us all to get along (unless you're part of the above groups). Especially your "no donations" policy. How do you expect to fund a religion without stealing... er... accepting donations from the members? Worst yet, you make a mockery out of Jesus. You do realize He grew up, don't you? Then to claim He didn't die to save us all, but that a second offering (by Dr. Colbert) was needed? You're just a blasphemous fool who wants to hide his secularism.
-Rev. Rayford Steele, militant Protestant
At this point, Reverend Steele was disrupted by a thunderous boom, a voice from the heavens. Soon after, Rev. Steele converted to Architecturalism, and his church (of 15 people) all converted. Score one for the Archies! By the way, the statements in parenthesis () were added by me to add some clarification.

So, these 15 people will help me spread the word. Unfortunately, they're all somewhat older than 95 years old, and all in a personal care home, stricken with Alzheimer's. Even Rev. Steele could be found in that home, making his claims of conversion speculative at best...

Anyway, the fourth thing I'm going to do is make some pictures. I've already downloaded some patriotic images, and will now do my best to Photoshop some slogans in there. Basically, I'll have the text transparent over the image, yet still highly visible; or I'll incorporate it into the image wherever possible. Some examples include:
Left: That which remains.
Left: That which is not right.

Democracy: Rule by the people.
Democrat: Rule the people.

Liberty: Freedom of self.
Liberal: Freedom of me.

That which is not Right is left.

Every time you vote Democrat, an eagle loses it's wings.

If you're in God's Country, shouldn't you fight in God's War, and live by God's Rules?

The 10 Commandments, the only laws we really need.

Blue: the color of sadness.
Red: the color of Baby Jesus' blood.
There'll be more to come, and as always, your suggestions are welcome.

Fifth, I might stop incorporating so much Dr. Colbert information here. I do this for two reasons. First, the show has lost it's edge. It's predictable and simplistic compared to the original stuff. I sadly admit that I only applaud and cheer for the show during the first few minutes, rather than the entire episode. The interviews are just too much, and there's too many facts in there for me (and this is supposedly coming from someone (Dr. Colbert) who hates facts). Second, I left a comment on the site one day, and it was deleted. I don't mind this, as the entire comment was essentially an advertisement for this blog (unfortunately, my form-filler (still in beta) filled out an extra message, causing me to post a third message to get the first & third deleted; entirely discrediting me and this blog). So, I do apologize to the Colbert Nation for my blatant self-marketing, however I did it in the spirit of Colbertism, so it isn't so bad.

I'm not boycotting the show, rather I'm not going to watch it because of the first reason (the second reason I listed because I felt it needed to be said. It has nothing to do with my decision to stop watching the show, because as I said above: I acted like a moron with my self-marketing). In fact, I urge you all to continue watching the Report, it's still a good show, but it just doesn't work for me anymore. Hopefully in time this will change, because this very blog here is still funny to me (the Truth is sometimes funny), so I've obviously not lost the desire to laugh at liberals.

Sixth, I must finish work on a few programming jobs. My one DB-oriented game is far behind schedule (about 3 months behind), my console-based game is at a standstill, my chat server is really behind (mostly because I'm still waiting for the server to ship in), my web/file server is just sitting there (because I'm saving up to purchase a router to link chat/web/file servers together). Further, my work on a few web pages is behind and my work on a few custom files for an old game of mine (always support the old stuff to hook the initiated into your new stuff) is about 2 years behind (there's no formal schedule, but I started work more than 2 years ago).

Seventh, I'm going to take a break after this. I've got a lot of studying to do, and have to seriously fix my job (my full-time job, which takes a lot of time out of my week. Not to be confused with my programming job(s) which take up whatever free time I have while I code to make more money. I hope to single-handedly balance the national budget by donating my entire wages for this year to the government). As a Party member, I pride myself in having a great job with high productivity. However, I've often found myself slowing down whilst thinking about TCR or this blog. That's not good for America, so I'll sacrifice this blog (temporarily, of course) in order to support our troops and fight terrorism!

Also, my ex-girlfriend (Carmen) keeps bothering me, so I'll need some time in court to file a restraining order. Then my new girlfriend (name withheld) want some "alone time" (remember, I'm a Party member, so we won't do anything weird), meaning she wants to spend time with me offline and in person (regrettably, the girlfriend Internets requires you to meet the person before they ship her...).

Finally, I need sleep. Fighting secular progressivism is slowly tiring me out. Running around declaring threatdowns on liberals, indiscriminately killing hippies, and trying to save the world is just too much for one non-Colbert person. If I were the true son of Dr. Colbert (rather than adopted step-son #42 of Tek Jansen), this would be possible. However, as I'm not, I need a break from nailing liberals. Don't ask me how Dr. Colbert does it, but I'm personally battle-weary.

So, in conclusion, I've got a few websites to get up and running, some programming projects to complete, some banners to create, a religion to spread, a doctrine to uphold, and a girlfriend to appease (note to readers: get an uber-low maintenance girlfriend, like SoS Dr. Condoleezza Rice or Jill). Only then can I sleep before re-joining the battle against SPs and liberals.

Hopefully this won't take long, as if left unchecked, SPs and liberals (or worse-yet, liberal SPs) will destroy the world. If any of you would like to help in the Cause, go for it.