Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Parade Magazine On Notice

Yep, a magazine's on notice now. Just remember, anyone and anything is up for any level of a threatdown at any time. You're never safe!

Anyway, in the latest installment of Parade magazine, they listed a lot of secular progressive propaganda. Things like "sex is good for you", "Socialized Medicine is a good idea", "Grow Young", "Hillary Clinton will win the election".

Wrong, Parade, wrong in every way. First of all, sex is bad, and should be avoided under penalty of death. Even married people shouldn't have sex. It's just that evil.

Second, socialized medicine is pure, unmitigated evil. If Baby Jesus wanted everyone to be healthy, he would've never given us disease (besides, it weeds out the weak). Youth is a very bad thing, and certainly you can never "grow young". If you even try, you'll die of a massive heart attack. Again, Baby Jesus' way of telling us to stop trying to mess with the natural order. The reason youth is bad: the young are stupid and squander their youth. Only the old should live everyone's lives. That's how it used to be, and that's how it should be.

Third, if Hillary Clinton wins the election, I'm moving to the moon (changing my "conquer the moon" goal to "colonize & conquer moon"), where I'll watch as the nuclear winter sets in.

Fourth, Marilyn (of "Ask Marilyn" fame) is the world's biggest intellectual, and that's just plain wrong! No one who has that high of an IQ (supposedly) should work at a pitiful magazine. The only time intellectualism is ever acceptable is when they're busy curing cancer or building a super-nuke that can kill everyone who subscribes to a certain, militant, Islamofascistic viewpoint (or is a secular progressive liberal hippie (but that's easy enough: bomb all the Starbucks during morning rush)). Since she's misusing her intelligence and is a pretty big secular progressive anyway, she's on double-notice (it's like a nail within a nail).

So, you're on notice. I'll monitor events to see if the magazine has even a hope of ever being saved. In the meantime, I ask that people boycott this publication and leave the liberalism out of the Sunday paper (after all, it's God's Day).

Secular Progressivism at its worst

Nation, this is a very sad day in Archland. It seems that the secular progressives have really lost it this time.

Yes, I realize the article is 6 months old, but this should've been exposed 3 years ago. It seems the liberals have written a book that blatantly promotes gay homosexuality as a "proper path" and calls those who don't think like they do "ignorant".

Well, Nation, it's time we showed them how things really are. I'm calling for an all-out ban on Canada lasting 2 weeks. If you're Canadian and can read this blog, immigrate immediately to save your soul. If you're non-Canadian, disassociate yourself with Canada and its peoples, and forget they ever existed.

No, Canada's not getting called out, put on notice, or anything else. The reason is simple: I haven't time to update the Boards and I'm too busy nailing other people to care about our lost neighbors to the North. Besides, Canada hosts Gitmo North, part of a multi-part series of Gitmos worldwide to re-educate the secular progressives and intern the terrorists until they tell us where they have bin Laden. WE KNOW YOU KNOW WHERE HE'S AT!!!!!

Saturday, March 17, 2007

The Last St. Paddy's Day?

Well, Nation, Dr. Colbert, in his infinate wisdom, has had a premonition about St. Patrick's day.

After some time to let the pain settle down, I must tell you all the Truth: there will be no more St. Patrick's Day.

Unfortunately, it seems the people of that entire kingdom (the kingdom of the united, to be precise) are identical in every way. In fact, the differences that people have seen for centuries has been the result of people too drunk (with power or libation) or stupid (re: drunk) to see the similarities.

Dr. Colbert broke this horrific news on 3-15-07, giving us two whole days to cry and drink the memory out of us all. It seems the only way to save St. Paddy's Day is to genetically modify the English (the dogs they are), so that they more represent Antarcticans than anything else. Unfortunately, the English are already drawing up plans to modify/kill the Irish, and thanks to their "British Engineering", are almost guaranteed to finish before "Inebriated Irishmen" come close to figuring out how to power such a machine off pure potato power.

So, I'll tell you the tale of the last St. Paddy's Day from my perspective: I slept. As an Architecturalist (and more importantly, as The Architect), I'm not supposed to drink (unless there's plenty of beer and it's about to mysteriously "go bad" in a sealed can in a refrigerator). So, I slept off the majority of the day, wondering if I might wake up to a nuclear winter (a lot of loyalty in the St. Paddy's Day tradition). Fortunately, that wasn't the case (unfortunately, San Frangaydo and Massaheretics still exist).

Hopefully the English can save St. Paddy's Day without taking away the true heroes of it: the Irish. I'd rather see them destroy the Scottish (don't you know they're all cross-dressing freaks of nature?) or perhaps the Welsh (although they make good grape juice, they're horrible cheats!). Then we can re-name the Irish the (afflicted group that was decimated), and the (afflicted, decimated group) the Irish. See, I just saved St. Paddy's Day!

For this, St. Patrick's Day (3-17) is now an Architectural holiday, for the grand salvation of the United Kingdom (minus the Scottish/Welsh) by RTA. Victory dance time!

Pat Robertson

Well, Nation, after a little mix-up at the Colbert Nation, I've decided to do a little piece on Pat Robertson, the Greatest Preacher Ever (not to be confused with the GPE, GWB).

Well, little is known about Mr. Robertson (other than that he's not related to Mrs. Roberson of the Beatles fame). He's a patriot, that much is true. He continually makes Baby Jesus happy through is ministries, and is a sub-Architect in Architecturalism.

He was born in 1757 in Delaware (AKA first American state) by God, after God called out the Limeys because of their liking of tea, and has approximately 30% of Jesus' power. Basically, he's allergic to nails and lacks Jesus' staying power when around them.

Pat is a proud supporter of our troops, and has even served a record 42 terms in Iraq (simultaneous terms because he can clone himself). He's fought in every war since the Revolutionary war (some have confuse him with Gen. Washington. He is Gen. Washington), and has lead this Nation to greatness time and again.

Above that, he's a strict prohibitionist (never touched alcohol in his life), and strict celibate (his children are of equally divine origin). His wife is a resurrected Mary Magdalane (Virgin Mary doesn't like people named "Pat"), and she's a very big fan as leader of the men-only Bible group. She can preach so loud, you can hear it in the bell tower.

Pat currently leads several missions to Jerusalem, where he'll complete his world-famous "Seven Thousand Foot-tall Steeple", which will house a 1000-foot tall Jesus statue made entirely out of gold (no frankincense and myrrh could be found in such vast quantities). Current estimates place it as costing 2 million after-church brunches and 66 6-hour funding telethons. It will be built through "faith, charity and infidels (labor)", and will be completed as soon as "God grants" and "so long as God doesn't grant me another vision" (we all know how divine intervention just destroys your building plans with massive upgrades for that very necessary series of plasma tvs and 7.1 surround sound throughout the building).

Pat's ultimate goal in life is to succeed RTA (me) as the second Architect. After that, he plans to "revamp" Architecturalism with some "very necessary, but secret" improvements (along the lines of saving every non-Architecturalist out there and waging a massive holy war against the FSM). For this, he's punitively "On Notice" until he apologizes to Baby Jesus.

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Clot of Cheney

Lately, it seems Vice GPE(!) Cheney has had all the bad luck. From his various heart attacks to his misaligned rifle scope, he's been in some tough spots. However, this last week has been especially hard on him.

From Islamofacists trying to blow him up (don't they know he's invincible?) to those 65 hours on a plane, he's had a tough time. So, let's welcome him back to God's Country and remind him that he's perfectly safe in the Cave (the only underground bunker superior (in only the smallest way) to the ColCave (Dr. Colbert's underground bunker. The Cave is superior in that it is a smaller word, and has a nanometer more shielding around it (Dr. Colbert opted instead to gold-plate the door to his own private room)).

In the meantime, let's bring out Mr. Cheney's clone, the "Prime Minister of Australia", to cover for him. Surely Australia won't totally plunge into chaos in the weeks it would be without it's Cheney Clone, it would only mostly plunge into chaos. Well, God's Country's bigger and more important, so we subvert Australia's "independence" to enact an Architectuaral Order: Release your Cheney Clone to us, or all Architecturalists will put you On Notice.

That's right, my fellow Architecturalists. We're calling out Australia. They have 2 weeks to give us their Prime Minister, or we're putting them On Notice. If, by the time Mr. Cheney's fully recovered, they haven't even apologized, Australia is Dead to Us.

I, Lewis "Scooter" Libby, fought in the Plame Affair... and lost.. for now

Architecturalists everywhere are saddened today by the vicious destruction of a Party member. Yes, as of this morning, "Scooter" Libby lost the Plame Affair. He fought hard and valiently, but ultimately, the Plames of Wikiality called him out to a battle to great to handle.

Mr. Libby fought five battles, and won only one. Where were you, Nation? Why didn't you come to aid Mr. Libby in a valient fight for the Truth?

Fortunately, there's still time to help out. The GPE(!) might pardon Mr. Libby, and in the meantime, I suggest we boycott liberal shows like "Meet the Press" (hosted by the vile Tim Russert) and pile billions of dollars to bribe the judges... err pay for Mr. Libby's legal fees...

For those Architecturalists who feel there's more to be done, drop by the Arch and purchase my newest book "How to Break a Fellow Party Member Out of Jail", and request your advance copy of my follow-up book, "So You're in Jail for Trying to Break a Party Member Out: A Traditionalist's Survival Guide to Live on the Inside". They're sure to be best sellers on the Architect Best-Seller List, and they're great for silencing any liberal hippies (just throw it and forget it).

Sunday, February 18, 2007

State of the Blog 002

Well, Archinistas, it's time for another "SotB", making this the second in an unknown series of blog updates. As a reminder, here's what it's all about:

From time to time, I'll post an update on what I plan to do with my blog, Architecturalism, any and all websites I create (ie the official ones), and anything else I feel pertains to the above. These updates happen pretty much whenever I feel like disclosing information or hyping up support for a new thing I plan to do. Any and all deadlines are not written in stone, and will be modified whenever it's apparent I'll miss a deadline.

Now, the websites I planned to create will be postponed. I do this because I was graced with an unprecedented 50-hour work week. While the little Party member in me dances, the Architecturalist in me (liberal hippie-type he tends to be at times. Don't worry, I'll soon kill the little bugger and we'll be 110% Party-oriented (instead of 101%)) whines that I really should work on the website and maybe even leave the house for a purpose other than work. As though there's anything else to do...

Second, I'm making a new theme (for Windows) that's patriotic and proud to no fault. It'll feature things I've... borrowed from the Internets (mostly the Republican Internet) and arranged in an star-spangled theme. I plan for it to have custom cursors (who likes the original pointer anyway? Who wouldn't like Lady Liberty pointing the way around these Internets?), a nice desktop wallpaper (bald eagle in front of flag, what more can I say?), a screensaver (with patriotic music in the background), and finally, a replacement boot screen (this'll be toughest to do, but worth it). Can you say "Freem"?

Third, those banners I plan to make are coming along nicely. I'll have them done as soon as I can get into Photoshop again (banned by the liberals for cropping my face onto the body of my future self. As though they can't tell that it's Wikiality, fools!).

Fourth, I realize that I really must re-do this blog's layout. It's fine and all, but seriously, it doesn't have enough gravitas to suit me. I need to really get my banners going and really give this place the uber-ballz it deserves to have (sure, bronze balls of steel are fine, but any more, it seems like they don't shine as much to me).

Fifth, I'll tell you all a secret. As an Architecturalist (and more importantly, the Architect), I can rather well decide what aspects of religion we can do around here. So, I'm announcing to you all (instead of threatening you like a lot of lesser religions) that we will participate in the usual Christian rite of Lent. Nothing big, just give something up for 40 days (and eat as much fish as you can handle. No, sushi doesn't count, it's un-American), and nights and weekends are free (better yet, nights start at 6pm, a full hour before Sprint says so! Days start at 6 am, however)! Now, doesn't that make us a better religion than the inferior Flying Spaghetti Monster deal?

For Lent (re-named Spring Sacrifice), I'm giving up nailing SPs (it's too much work walking around town nailing people left and right (mostly left)). Fortunately, nights and weekends are free, so the threatdown isn't relaxing all that much, mind you. There will also be an exception for obvious Secular Progressivism, so don't be too liberal (better yet, don't be a liberal). My nail gun will still be with me, but I'll only have one clip of nails...

Lastly, I'm declaring a threatdown against Avery, the bloggist who pretends s/he knows what Dr. Colbert is talking about (and operates the Colb-blog). I've had enough going to the site (still a great site) and finding that every other paragraph will end with "That's what I'm talking about!". Seriously, if you had a gut, you'd know that if people don't know what you're talking about after reading an entire paragraph, you obviously wouldn't have to tell people what you're "talking about".

Your "Diet Coke" revelation was so gutless, it just angers me. Only weak-minded liberals drink diet soda! True, Traditionalist Republicans drink only regular soda, (black) coffee (although it could be white, since I don't see color, gender, religion, or much of anything), and energy drinks. We never drink water, diet soda (wannabe water), tea (urine-water hybrid), milk (it comes from the teat of an animal, and that's not right!), or (the worst of them all) "nutritional drinks" (diet shakes, fitness water, etc).

About your mother prying your fingers from the keyboard, since when have you had two hands on the keyboard? Just a harmless question, after all...

Anyway, Avery's getting called out. I look forward to him posting on here, so I can delete his attempts to nail me. It's only fitting after all... Just for him, I'm going to load up my nail gun with a fresh clip.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

St. Valentine's Day

Some of you Architecturalists (and even some Colbinistas) out there might be wondering what I've done for St. Valentine's Day.

Well, for starters, I sent my ex-girlfriend (Carmen Elektra) some flowers a few weeks ago in preparation for today. Today, I got a phone call from her lawyer, so things must be looking up! She never acknowledged me before without whining about how much she misses me. Just goes to show, time heals all wounds, and flowers tests the band-aid.

Then I sat around, watching the President's Truth Address this morning. It was truly riveting!

After a while, I went to work, did my Party-mandated 18-hour work day. After that, I watched a taping of "St. Valentine's Day Massacre" on the History Channel. After all these years, they still don't know why St. Valentine didn't intervene :(.

Then I got on these Internets to nail some people. Unfortunately, much of the Internets is awash in reports of a "plan to get us out of Iraq". Sickened, I gave up (don't they know the Greatest President Ever(!) has the plan perfectly formed in his mind?)... Before I left, though, I found an article (blogged about below), and nailed some liberals hard (in the balls too!), and did a small victory dance (like Stephen did last Thursday to celebrate his favorite song winning a Grammy ("My Humps" by Black-Eyed Peas). That song owns!).

So, as I finish this, I have one thing to say, Nation: You better put more cowbell in my soylent green!


Well, Nation, it seems I made a bit of an "uh-oh" on a little comment I made somewhere on these vast Internets.

When I mentioned that: everyone knows all foreigners are men, and all women run around wearing scarfs on their heads screaming "Allah Ackbar!" and setting themselves on fire", what I really meant was: "all foreign folks on the Internets are men, and all foreign women... run around wearing scarfs on their heads screaming "Allah Ackbar!" and setting themselves on fire".

Another important clarification:
by "foreign", I mean those who aren't affiliated with God's country in any positive way. For instance, the UK (while technically foreign) and most of Europe (with the exception of France) are not included in this list. Also, if you're Canadian or from South America, you're asked to convert to Americanism before you can be treated as "non-foreign". It's simple, just reject your foreign-ness and accept the supremacy of the non-foreign countries (and the ultimate supremacy of God's Country).

So, as you can see, the only people who could possibly be offended (aside from ignorant liberals who think everyone else's problem is their own, and gay homosexuals/straight heterosexuals) would be your actual foreigners. Since we all know that they're the root of all evil (hence the "Axis of Evil" doesn't include God's Countries or our positive allies (read above)), we don't have to feel bad that they were "offended".

After all, they're offended at everything that happens. Just this past weekend, someone put a car bomb on my personal assistant's car. Jimmy never did like hospitals...

So, as you can clearly see, it's not that I'm "xenophobic" like you wordinistas claim (I hate big words), but that I feel the Truth in ways you can't fathom (er... understand. Fathom's too big-word-y).

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Iran's Involvement in Iraq

Nation, it's a great day for us all. Finally, the Greatest President Ever(!) has figured out who is killing our troops. It's not the insurgents like we once thought, but Iran.

These people are inherantly evil, wishing to do us only evil. Their "12 member ruling council" (also known as the "Knights of the Round Table" in Archland) and "President" (Ahmenijad) all wish death upon us, God's Country.

Worse yet, they are the insurgents. The people we're fighting over there aren't just little old Iraqis who feel we shouldn't be there, but Iranians disguised as Iraqis (something I hear is hard to do). The real Iraqis love us, have continually welcomed us as liberators, and continually support our troops (unlike the liberals).

The only thing that distresses me more than Iran's existance is how the liberals are painting this as a massive provocation of Iran so that we can invade them. The thing is, we don't need provocation. We already feel they're evil, and we're announcing to the world this feeling. All we're doing now is giving them a sort of "warning shot" before we go over there and nail them.

Unlike you liberals, we follow the Civilized Rules of War, which ask that we fire a warning shot before we go about nailing people en masse (assassinations are another thing). Without this, we'd be what? That's right, terrorists. I don't know about you, but I'm no terrorist.

Friday, February 2, 2007

State of the Blog 001

Well, Nation (if I may be so informal), I'm here to do a State of the Blog. This is the first SotB I've done for this site, so if you're lost, I'll fill you in.

A SotB address is like the SotU that the President gives every year. The only exception: I do mine whenever I feel like it. Namely this happens when I've a lot of stuff I'm planning to do, when I've done a lot (sort of a review of what happened), or when I get bored and want to write something, but don't have anything in particular to write about (sort of a general entry on whatever fills my head. These entries are long and as disorganized as the DNC).

This SotB is one of those "planning to do" entries.

First up, I plan to make a website dedicated to you, the heroes, featuring information about me, the Architect. It will have information about me (including my deepest, darkest secret), about Dr. Colbert, and about Republicanism (mainly why it's the only way Baby Jesus approves of).

Second, I'll make a website about Architecturalism. Believe it or not, BJ is still giving me tons of ideas. Thanks to His divine Providence (no, not the city), none of it conflicts! That just proves that the Baby Jesus wants to see Architecturalism come to light (instead of the dark).

Third, I'm going to go around preaching Architecturalism. It's not a difficult religion, really. In fact, were it not for the inclusion of Dr. Colbert and the list of Hated Beings, it'd barely be different from 101% of your other standard religions (namely worship BJ and the Party), like Stephenolgical Colbertism and Republicanism. Of course, it's somewhat different from your "human" religions (like Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, and Atheism (pure evil)). In fact, just to make sure we jive well with your "human" religions, I talked to a priest, who had this to say:

Architecturalism will surely destroy the Church. There's nothing more evil than a religion that accepts everyone (except straight heterosexuals, gay homosexuals, liberal secular progressives, democrats, and members of the FSM religion), and only wants us all to get along (unless you're part of the above groups). Especially your "no donations" policy. How do you expect to fund a religion without stealing... er... accepting donations from the members? Worst yet, you make a mockery out of Jesus. You do realize He grew up, don't you? Then to claim He didn't die to save us all, but that a second offering (by Dr. Colbert) was needed? You're just a blasphemous fool who wants to hide his secularism.
-Rev. Rayford Steele, militant Protestant
At this point, Reverend Steele was disrupted by a thunderous boom, a voice from the heavens. Soon after, Rev. Steele converted to Architecturalism, and his church (of 15 people) all converted. Score one for the Archies! By the way, the statements in parenthesis () were added by me to add some clarification.

So, these 15 people will help me spread the word. Unfortunately, they're all somewhat older than 95 years old, and all in a personal care home, stricken with Alzheimer's. Even Rev. Steele could be found in that home, making his claims of conversion speculative at best...

Anyway, the fourth thing I'm going to do is make some pictures. I've already downloaded some patriotic images, and will now do my best to Photoshop some slogans in there. Basically, I'll have the text transparent over the image, yet still highly visible; or I'll incorporate it into the image wherever possible. Some examples include:
Left: That which remains.
Left: That which is not right.

Democracy: Rule by the people.
Democrat: Rule the people.

Liberty: Freedom of self.
Liberal: Freedom of me.

That which is not Right is left.

Every time you vote Democrat, an eagle loses it's wings.

If you're in God's Country, shouldn't you fight in God's War, and live by God's Rules?

The 10 Commandments, the only laws we really need.

Blue: the color of sadness.
Red: the color of Baby Jesus' blood.
There'll be more to come, and as always, your suggestions are welcome.

Fifth, I might stop incorporating so much Dr. Colbert information here. I do this for two reasons. First, the show has lost it's edge. It's predictable and simplistic compared to the original stuff. I sadly admit that I only applaud and cheer for the show during the first few minutes, rather than the entire episode. The interviews are just too much, and there's too many facts in there for me (and this is supposedly coming from someone (Dr. Colbert) who hates facts). Second, I left a comment on the site one day, and it was deleted. I don't mind this, as the entire comment was essentially an advertisement for this blog (unfortunately, my form-filler (still in beta) filled out an extra message, causing me to post a third message to get the first & third deleted; entirely discrediting me and this blog). So, I do apologize to the Colbert Nation for my blatant self-marketing, however I did it in the spirit of Colbertism, so it isn't so bad.

I'm not boycotting the show, rather I'm not going to watch it because of the first reason (the second reason I listed because I felt it needed to be said. It has nothing to do with my decision to stop watching the show, because as I said above: I acted like a moron with my self-marketing). In fact, I urge you all to continue watching the Report, it's still a good show, but it just doesn't work for me anymore. Hopefully in time this will change, because this very blog here is still funny to me (the Truth is sometimes funny), so I've obviously not lost the desire to laugh at liberals.

Sixth, I must finish work on a few programming jobs. My one DB-oriented game is far behind schedule (about 3 months behind), my console-based game is at a standstill, my chat server is really behind (mostly because I'm still waiting for the server to ship in), my web/file server is just sitting there (because I'm saving up to purchase a router to link chat/web/file servers together). Further, my work on a few web pages is behind and my work on a few custom files for an old game of mine (always support the old stuff to hook the initiated into your new stuff) is about 2 years behind (there's no formal schedule, but I started work more than 2 years ago).

Seventh, I'm going to take a break after this. I've got a lot of studying to do, and have to seriously fix my job (my full-time job, which takes a lot of time out of my week. Not to be confused with my programming job(s) which take up whatever free time I have while I code to make more money. I hope to single-handedly balance the national budget by donating my entire wages for this year to the government). As a Party member, I pride myself in having a great job with high productivity. However, I've often found myself slowing down whilst thinking about TCR or this blog. That's not good for America, so I'll sacrifice this blog (temporarily, of course) in order to support our troops and fight terrorism!

Also, my ex-girlfriend (Carmen) keeps bothering me, so I'll need some time in court to file a restraining order. Then my new girlfriend (name withheld) want some "alone time" (remember, I'm a Party member, so we won't do anything weird), meaning she wants to spend time with me offline and in person (regrettably, the girlfriend Internets requires you to meet the person before they ship her...).

Finally, I need sleep. Fighting secular progressivism is slowly tiring me out. Running around declaring threatdowns on liberals, indiscriminately killing hippies, and trying to save the world is just too much for one non-Colbert person. If I were the true son of Dr. Colbert (rather than adopted step-son #42 of Tek Jansen), this would be possible. However, as I'm not, I need a break from nailing liberals. Don't ask me how Dr. Colbert does it, but I'm personally battle-weary.

So, in conclusion, I've got a few websites to get up and running, some programming projects to complete, some banners to create, a religion to spread, a doctrine to uphold, and a girlfriend to appease (note to readers: get an uber-low maintenance girlfriend, like SoS Dr. Condoleezza Rice or Jill). Only then can I sleep before re-joining the battle against SPs and liberals.

Hopefully this won't take long, as if left unchecked, SPs and liberals (or worse-yet, liberal SPs) will destroy the world. If any of you would like to help in the Cause, go for it.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Archbishop of NAILED

Nation, I've met someone I'm immediately proclaiming the first Archbishop of NAILED (Nailing the Allegedly Insane Liberal Episcopalianly Diseased).

Here is an American who fights daily for the Truth. While he or she (I don't know, I only see Americans divided into liberals and Party Members, not gender, race, religion, ethnicity, country of origin, or any of the other "fancy stuff" you non-Colbinistas see (like what country they actually do live in and call their own. You're all Americans in my book!)) knows it or not, they're fighting alongside their oppressed brethren/sisteren of Architecturalism.

See, we Architecturalists are often the most oppressed for our beliefs, because no one understands them. How could they, they don't understand the Truth, and without that, there's nothing we can do to help. They look at us, and mock us.... especially our sexual preferences (asexuality (Architecturalism's foundation) is a joke to them, and the thought of proper bisexuality (the only alternative to asexuality) is abhorrent to them). Worse yet, they look at our hatred (not fear, for we don't fear anything but Dr. Colbert's and God's wrath and fury) of bears, bees, dogs, lobsters, owls, and sharks; and think we're insane for calling them "killing machines". Just because they can't understand the Truth doesn't mean it's not true (especially if my gut says it's so).

Now, as first Archbishop of NAILED, his/her/it's responsibility will be to uphold the Truths we find self-evident (that God and Dr. Colbert exist, asexuality is the only true path, the Hated Ones (listed above) are "killing machines" and that Tek Jansen will be our ultimate messiah (for you Christian converts, consider Him to be Jesus, just with a different name), and that the Party is the only acceptable party), and to spread the word of Architecturalism (and to... you know... not get into a jihad with any other religions/cults/factions, except secular progressives, Atheists and liberal hippies who fail to see the Truth).

In order to help him/her/it out, I'm issuing it/her/him my golden nail gun. Use it wisely to nail the opponents of our faith and the nay-sayers who want to see our belief mocked on MSNBC. You also are granted (by me, the first Pope of Architecturalism, AKA The Architect) to issue or revoke balls or Thatchers to anyone who you think can help us in our great cause. When you do, just be sure to e-mail me with it (should be at the top of the page) so I can keep a running count of all the converts to our righteous religion.

If you'd like, you can even CGI your own graphic to make your own shirts, badges, etc. to give to people. Feel free to make your own fliers and whatnot to educate to a broader audience. Just be sure to e-mail a copy of anything you make to me so that I may nail it if it's counter-Party or just plain offensive.

Though you may give a person the Truth, it will satisfy their gut for only a day, but if you teach a person the Truth (and thusly to tell the Truth), you satisfy their gut for all eternity. Go forth and make Truth-tellers of people; and may Dr. Colbert and God be with you!

Friday, January 26, 2007

Calling out CraniOcean

Well, I posted on ColbertNation.Com that I'm going to nail CraniOcean for his/her liberal school of thought. Honestly, if he/she/it/they/them/the democratic party has the balls/Thatchers to come here and try to nail me back, I applaud you. Your balls/Thatchers are sixth in greatness, after Dr. Colbert's balls (globes, really) of adamantium, Papa Bear's diamond balls, President Bush's platinum balls, Secretary of State Dr. Condoleezza Rice's gold Thatchers, and my own bronze balls of steel. If not, then I laugh at your lack of balls/Thatchers.

Well, I've called you out, and now it's time to get nailed, hard!

Sites looking great, accessible, thanks. Thanks also for mentioning cigrarette smoking in a favorable light (!) with Mike Wallace. Interesting. I have nothing against cigarettes, I do have something against the legal ban of tobacco in most places. It’s the equivalent to discrimination now against anyone, against, Gays…who are known to practice in private :) I’ve nothing against that–live and let live Mr. Colbert, I say! Look at the recent history of bans on private privileges. it’s interesting that the revoke of smoke was one of the first liberties (privileges actually) to be broadly enforced in the mid 1980s. After that, seatbelts. I could hate smoking, or seatbelt laws, or drug companies, but live and let live. At the end of the day, the revoke of smoke is nothing but good old time discrimination. Why? Once upon a time people of color (not SC) were NOT called Blacks. People need something to discriminate against. Well they could NOT call people of color the “N” word anymore..just Black. :) So it was easy to get everybody behind changing the group to point fingers at now. At the same time, it delivered a master stroke, for smokers tended to be divergent, creative, they would question the status quo, in a Word, great Authors. And what did this mainly do? Benefit the pharma companies even more, of course! Twice the fear (now for non smokers) and so twice the dis-ease (from the stress byprodcuts of FEAR) and twice the revenue! Of course, ther eare those who go all their lives without ever smoking (or being around smokers) and still get lung cancer. Cigarettes don’t kill (the Pharma’s know this–goes back to Homeopathy and the founding of the American Cancer Society) and Second hand Cigarette smoke doesn’t kill–the FEAR OF IT DOES. And the FEAR of not following the law. This opens up a can of logical worms, even to the US military strategy in Iraq, and that’s another post. Smoke or don’t smoke and live and let live. Check it out?

Thank you for the privilege of writing this post, and for a very funny show. You and Daly Rock La Casa tonight! Thanks!

Live and let live is liberal propoganda, something the Party opposes a lot (and as a Party member, I'd suspect Dr. Colbert would be in agreement on this).

The phrase is "live and let die". If we let everyone live, all we'd have is a bunch of liberal hippies running around saying "we're in the wrong war" and "We need an ObamaNation!". That's about as un-American as Jo(h)n Stewart.

What's all this about privileges and liberties? Don't you know that Dr. Colbert is the one who dispenses these things, and as he's remained silent on these things, that must mean he agrees with me: that what you call a "right" is merely something your liberal mind things it needs to live. In fact, all you really "get" in life is the ability to follow Stephenological Colbertism (or Architecturalism) and the right to remain silent while getting nailed.

Now, I agree with you on a few things. First off, the racism that existed in the past and the "need" to continually discriminate against someone is true. My gut tells me this, so it must be true. Unfortunately, you've misplaced the current enemy. Your ciga-Nazi mind tells you that surely, we all want to label smokers as the enemy. If you've ever read a single one of my entries, you'd know that Liberal America (and Canada) is the enemy, and we're silently killing them left and right (mostly left) according to Dr. Colbert's will. The "smokers are bad" thing is just a cover, like the events in 1996 (where Billy Clinton successfully drew attention away from his crack dealing).

Second, I agree that fear is the root of all evil. Unfortunately, without a healthy fear of liberalism, we're all bound to fail sooner or later (look at Mark Foley). So, before you go and pretend that your lack of fear is what's keeping you alive, just remember that it was that lack of fear that got you nailed today. Personally, I just don't know how you do it (get nailed and then act like nothing happened).

I personally smoke 5 packs a day, and not just for the health benefits. Smoking that much keeps me calm while I look at all the liberal hippies out there and shake my head. Without smokes, I'd go postal on them, killing the potential converts before I could save them. I'm also against seatbelt laws, because it lets the liberal idiots survive, and we have more than enough of them.

Now, what about the war policy in Iraq? I personally think the war is going great, and the additional 20,000 troops we're sending are to reinforce the idea to Iraq that they got nailed during the war, and to set up for killing Iran (which will be 50 times easier, as all we have to do is send Jack Bower and a squad of CTU operatives). Unfortunately, in 2007, San Francisco will have to be sacrificed to save the rest of God's Country, but with my gut telling me that they are 99% hippies (and 1% Libertarians), not too many Party members will care about this (see what the troops are for? We knew ahead of time that Jack wouldn't do it right!). I guess that's what we get for not calling on Tek Jansen...

Now, before you go around saying "Rob The Architect, you're a moron", just remember that every time someone gets nailed, someone else looses a nail. So, by wasting this time nailing you, I've lost the ability to nail someone important (like the shemale Hillary Clinton, or those who oppose President Bush's decision to change his name and run for president again in 2008). So, you should thank your lucky self that you had the pleasure of getting nailed by the 8th best nailer on Earth (right after Nathan the Nail-Gunner and Natasha the Nailer, who tied for 7th). If that doesn't suit you, just pack your bags and report straight to Gitmo, hippie!


Architecturalism is my little spin-off of Stephenological Colbertism.

I disagree on things like "the 7 day week" - if God handed Stephen the Keys to the Castle on the 8th day, there should be 8 days in the week. In Architecturalism, this is called "Threatday", a day of threatening everyone you can. Obviously, to work this out with the Earth's natural rotation, we had to cut out February and March, but what can you do? If you have a birthday during those months, just move it - pick a random date that you like, and make that your new birthday (mine is May 13).

I also disagree on Dr. Colbert's divinity. We Architecturalists believe that Dr. Colbert an important person, but that he's not divine. Sure, God gave him control of the universe, but unknown to Dr. Colbert, God still has the last word. In fact, it's the only reason that Dr. Colbert hasn't forced Iran to just up an die: because God won't let him. As you can see, we're less about disagreeing on Dr. Colbert's divinity as we are against God's control of Dr. Colbert's power.

Most importantly, we disagree on asexuality. We believe that asexuality is a condition Dr. Colbert gave us so that we may devote our time more fully to his ministry. In Architecturalism, asexuality is the desired state, above virginality (because it's a gift from Dr. Colbert). In order to be asexual, you must either remove your organs (all of them, save for your heart and gut), or you must simply accept that after 40 years of living, you're never going to have sexual relations with anyone other than Brittany Spears (and only after she's had half the liquor in the great state of New York).

We also disagree on the afterlife. In Architecturalism, we feel that if you adhere to the faith, you get sucked into a 24/7 broadcast of the Colbert Report. Should you tire of that, you can go to the O'Reilly Factor or Fox News. If you just generally don't want intelligent reporting, you are left to wander the universe with Tek Jansen, and if you're really good, you're given the option of being one of his "hundreds of girlfriends" (if you're a male, you're reassigned, or given the option to be Tek for the (moments, as you've inferior self-control) it takes to... sure).

Of course, we also believe in a lot of SC's beliefs. For instance, we agree that bears are evil (as are sharks); but we extend this to include other evil animals, like dogs (vicious killing machines) and lobsters (they're fast, clamping machines); and we even add a new category: flying things (we hate bees and owls). We agree on the Colbible (read above about "7 day week"), and the importance of Tek Jansen to the ministry, to a point. In SC, he's just a person, but in Architecturalism, he's the future messiah of our people (he and his hundreds of girlfriends).

There are countless other items we believe in that differ from Stephenological Colbertism. I won't list them all, because every day, Baby Jesus leads me to develop Architecturalism more and more.

In Truthiness, we believe in a good 95% of Stephenological Colbertism, and don't want anything jihad-y to happen here. We just want to live in peace, and fight the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster alongside our SC compatriots. If Dr. Colbert calls us out to defend our faith, it'll have to be on our terms. Why? Because if we just willy-nilly got called out and fought the secular progressives, we'd look like jihadists, and that's not what we're about. So, take some time, Dr. Colbert, and think on what it means to call us out. Do you really want to get nailed on your own show?

I'll soon dedicate an entire website to our beliefs, and in the meantime, you can join Architecturalism by e-mailing me (provided at the top of the screen), with a subject title of "I want to be an Architecturalist". Until then, may Tek save the Nation!

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Person of the Year

I never did congratulate myself for being named Time Magazine's winner of Person of the Year in 2006.

I'm personally very glad that they finally recognized me, although I'm sad that Dr. Colbert took sole credit for the award. After all, if it weren't for people like me, you wouldn't have such things as Architecturalism and the Truth.

Of course, some people (falsely) claim that they are the ones who won, or that we "all" won. Well, I'll tell you the Truth. You didn't win, Dr. Colbert and I did. In fact, we won for you, so that you wouldn't be bothered with traveling to the awards ceremony. We did you a favor, so show us a little gratitude.

Why George W. Bush is the Greatest President EVER!

Well, it's no surprise to fellow Colbinistas that GWB is the Greatest President EVER! Still, there's some liberal hippies who disagree. Well, I'd like to persuade you to the Truth.

First off, what more do you need to be great than to lead God's Country (that's America for you non-Colbinistas) in a glorious war to defeat the tyrants of the world? Better yet, he's even offered to establish democracy (but not democrat-ism) in these newly saved countries. After that, he's going to teach them the ways of Baby Jesus, and the ways of the Party. In short, he's going to make the world like God's Country, and with this, God is well pleased...

No other great President responded so well to the various crises that have presented themselves during the rightful reign of the Administration.

9/11 was a great moment for him. Grand speeches and an opportunity to offer the common individual a sense that "we'll get them back", it was a time when he truly shined. He led us through a grave disaster and organized us all (except the evil Dixie Chicks, who are dead to me) so that we could come back (The Empire Strikes Back, if you will).

Katrina was his crowning achievement, a city upon a hill of how to handle a crisis. What better way to help them out than to fly around in a helicopter and direct traffic? Better yet, he purposefully saved Federal aid until the last minute to prevent all the con artists and hippies from taking it all. Don't you see, he was helping God's Country by sacrificing a few.

In 2007, the Greatest President EVER! will save us all from impending nuclear blasts by sacrificing the city of San Francisco for the Cause (admittedly SF is just full of liberal hippies). In retaliation, he'll invade Canada and finally bring our rebellious cousins to order.

Who can argue with his policy? From domestic politics to foreign issues, he's continually proven that he is truly the GPE! From saving Federal aid to Katrina victims until after the con artists left to cutting the national debt down to a mere $0.02 (that part is yours, Nation), he's single-handedly saved us all from economic downfall.

Then there's his education policy. NCLB was a step in the right direction, but as he is the GPE!, he'll soon offer to "up the ante" by training our children to kill their rivals in business (literally). After that, it's a short hop to training kids to kill all bears and sharks (and horses and jellyfish), making God's Country the safest country EVER!

He's also opposed to every social service that liberal hippies use instead of getting a job. He also opposes anti-global climate change initiatives because they harm God's Country's economic potential. He even opposes privacy rights (because if you worry about it, you must be a terrorist), something I oppose heavily as well (I've even wiretapped my own phone and computer. I sleep better knowing the FBI, DHS and NSA all know what I'm talking about and writing about).

He's even pro-oil, which you can't find anywhere else in subsequent attempts by others to become the GPE! I personally drink a gallon of raw, unfiltered oil every day for breakfast, to lubricate my body for the day's truth-telling. It's my hope that Mr. President will drill enough oil to let me do this until the day I die.

But, the greatest of his policies is on this oft-heard-of,-but-never-experienced-by-my-virginal-self, sex. He's completely against it, something I'm in total agreement on. It destroys your mind, and makes you want to sleep all day long. Fortunately for us all, he's slowly outlawing this insane practice, which should boost productivity across the board.

Read my post on it, available here.

He's the decider. It's a true test of anyone's greatness to decide every major decision and to consequentially get them all right.

He's truly the greatest President EVER!, and unlike what Dr. Colbert says, he'll never stop being President. Know how? He's going to skillfully change his name and run as both the Democrat and Republican candidates in 2008, proving just how great he is! He'll keep doing this until the day he "dies" (in 9595, after we're all Raptured, Jesus will allow him to lead the world. I say "dies" because he'll be sent to Heaven to get his orders from Jesus Himself).

State of the Union

First off, I'd like to congratulate President Bush (the greatest President EVER!) on his simplified-for-liberals speech. The real SOTU, if given today, would last until next year (it's that great and powerful). Actually, the speech would last a week, but the applause would just keep going long after he left. It's a good thing, though, since now the Democrats can finally finish their "first 100 hours" that they never finished (after 42 hours, they just up and quit, the liberal slackers!).

If you're wondering why this report is so late, I just got done applauding not even 10 minutes ago (told you it was that powerful). Too bad Dr. Colbert had to do his show, otherwise he'd probably still be applauding (I bow to his greatness).

Now, the President started off by congratulating Ms. Pelosi (Madame Hippie). That's all good and well, but why did people applaud? I personally booed when I heard her, and every time she even blinked, I screamed "liberal hippie!". She's on notice, by the way...

Yet we're all held to the same standards, and called to serve the same good purposes: To extend this nation's prosperity; to spend the people's money wisely; to solve problems, not leave them to future generations; to guard America against all evil; and to keep faith with those we have sent forth to defend us.
Actually, Mr. President (if I may call you that), I don't think the hippies want to do this. After all, they're the people who continually spend public money to pay off interns so they "don't speak", open God's Country up to terrorists (Clinton was responsible for 9/11), and they actively oppose all religion (even atheism). You would be hard-pressed to find a single new (liberal hippie) Congressional member who would agree with you on these points.
Our citizens don't much care which side of the aisle we sit on...
Actually, Mr. President, I care very much which side of the aisle people sit on. If you're on the left, you're a good person, and if you're not (ie on the right), you need to die (for being a hippie).

Now, about NCLB, if we're going to increase their math and science skills, why not their killing skills? If they have to be competitive, they must know how to kill commies and hippies that are trying to take their jobs.
Extending hope and opportunity in our country requires an immigration system worthy of America -- with laws that are fair and borders that are secure.
Yes, laws that state "Party members only" and "Hippies not allowed".
We should establish a legal and orderly path for foreign workers to enter our country to work on a temporary basis.
"Because you're mine, I walk the line" -Immigrant song about willful indentured servitude to the Party.
It's in our vital interest to diversify America's energy supply -- the way forward is through technology. We must continue changing the way America generates electric power, by even greater use...
Come on, you know you want to say it. "By even greater use of slave labor provided by immigrants". It is the Party way after all!
And so as we continue to diversify our fuel supply, we must step up domestic oil production in environmentally sensitive ways. (Applause.) And to further protect America against severe disruptions to our oil supply, I ask Congress to double the current capacity of the Strategic Petroleum Reserve.
Yes, we must "protect" the penguins in Alaska (by relocating them to Texas, deep inside God's Country) and double the SPR (by creating a series of tubes to make God's Country one big oil field (as it was supposed to be before the hippies came)).
As President, I have a duty to nominate qualified men and women to vacancies on the federal bench. And the United States Senate has a duty, as well, to give those nominees a fair hearing, and a prompt up-or-down vote on the Senate floor.
As opposed to the standard left-right vote.
With the distance of time, we find ourselves debating the causes of conflict and the course we have followed. Such debates are essential when a great democracy faces great questions. Yet one question has surely been settled: that to win the war on terror we must take the fight to the enemy.
I don't debate the course, I'd rather stay it. We are the Greatest Country EVER! We must take the fight to Canada!
In the sixth year since our nation was attacked, I wish I could report to you that the dangers had ended. They have not. And so it remains the policy of this government to use every lawful and proper tool of intelligence, diplomacy, law enforcement, and military action to do our duty, to find these enemies, and to protect the American people.
Party members only, Mr. President...
This is not the fight we entered in Iraq, but it is the fight we're in. Every one of us wishes this war were over and won. Yet it would not be like us to leave our promises unkept, our friends abandoned, and our own security at risk.
Like the hippies want.
Iraq's leaders know that our commitment is not open-ended.
Yes, they must become Party members.

For America, this is a nightmare scenario. -President Bush predicting a democrat president in 2008
We went into this largely united, in our assumptions and in our convictions. And whatever you voted for, you did not vote for failure.
Unless you're a liberal...
It's why I propose to establish a special advisory council on the war on terror, made up of leaders in Congress from both political parties.
Party members and "other".
With the other members of the Quartet -- the U.N., the European Union, and Russia -- we're pursuing diplomacy to help bring peace to the Holy Land
Excuse me, Mr. President, but the real Quartet is: Dr. Stephen T. Colbert D.F.A, (The Greatest) President (EVER!) George W. Bush, Baby Jesus, and Rob The Architect (not in order of importance).
Our work in the world is also based on a timeless truth: To whom much is given, much is required.
Taken from the Greatest Comic Book Superhero EVER! (Truthifully, if Spiderman was in Iraq, the war would've been over 2 Tuesdays after it started).
When America serves others in this way, we show the strength and generosity of our country. These deeds reflect the character of our people.
Our gut, if you will...
The greatest strength we have is the heroic kindness, courage, and self-sacrifice of the American people.
And bronze balls of steel.
You see this spirit often if you know where to look -- and tonight we need only look above to the gallery.
I waved :P
From his Humvee, Sergeant Rieman returned fire; he used his body as a shield to protect his gunner. He was shot in the chest and arm, and received shrapnel wounds to his legs -- yet he refused medical attention, and stayed in the fight. He helped to repel a second attack, firing grenades at the enemy's position. For his exceptional courage, Sergeant Rieman was awarded the Silver Star. And like so many other Americans who have volunteered to defend us, he has earned the respect and the gratitude of our entire country.
And that of the entire Colbert Nation.
In such courage and compassion, ladies and gentlemen, we see the spirit and character of America -- and these qualities are not in short supply. This is a decent and honorable country -- and resilient, too. We've been through a lot together. We've met challenges and faced dangers, and we know that more lie ahead. Yet we can go forward with confidence -- because the State of our Union is strong, our cause in the world is right, and tonight that cause goes on. God bless.
That's right liberals, he said it! That's why he's the Greatest President EVER!
See you next year.
Well, obviously after such a great speech, he'll have to rest. Even God rested on the seventh day...
Thank you for your prayers.
Be sure to pray to Dr. Colbert, or at least Baby Jesus.

Wasn't that the Greatest SOTU you've ever seen? Of course it was, because the Greatest President EVER(!) gave it, and anything he does or says is automatically great. If you disagree, you're a liberal hippie who needs to report to Gitmo ASAP.

Friday, January 19, 2007

About Me

The perennial WIP (Work In Progress), this will try to describe me as eloquently as possible without sounding a bit "off".

I am Rob, The Architect. Some people have wondered if the blog name means that I literally "rob" "The Architect" (whom some may take as God or maybe Dr. Colbert) of some power (being that I'm a programmer, I suppose it would mean that I robbed God of his divine abilities to create things or something). Well, if you want that to be your meaning, go for it. I like double entendres and find them to usually work out better than the intended meaning.

For instance, it's almost a compliment (were it not heretical) to call me an Architect (note the capital 'A', which signifies a divine ability) of code (or Code if you want to call it that). It speaks to my great level of programming skill (which I lack as I'm rather a beginning student than a master of the art of programming).

Some people call me Bob (doesn't bother me), others Jim or Melissa (the "Internets" are a vast and wonderous place). Some call me RTA (Rob The Architect, where I get my blog's name), others call me crazy, and some just call me to dinner (reference to the greatest Spongebob episode ever, the one with Super Wenie Hut Jr.). Just don't call me Canadian.

Yes, I hate Canadians. Why? Because we all need a fictional enemy. "But RTA, Canadians are real". You haven't been to my own personal world, the world created by the truthiful feeling in my gut (Dr. Colbert's definition of Truthiness: truth that you feel with your gut, not know in your mind. It is a reference that what we feel should be more important that mere facts. Both he and I don't like books, they're too facty. We like truthy stuff, like the Colbible (the only approved book so far) and the Internets (read above)). In my gut, I know that Canada doesn't exist. The people there are just Americans who have lost their way. We can still take them back, we just have to remind them how great America is. With any luck, when they return they'll be members of the Party, not commie liberal hippies like they now tend to be.

The "Internets" is a misuse of Sen. Ted's (of Alaska) misuse of the word "Internet". My definition says that there are several "Internets", or sub-cultures of the actual Internet. They span many sites and domains/servers. They are comprised of personal websites, forums, galleries, blogs, etc. Ex. The "nerd Internet", the "pr0n Internet" (most visited one, by the way), the "Emo internet" (note the lowercase i: it denotes its vast inferiority and evilness), etc.

Also, I'm a member of the Party. What Party is this? Only the Party of the greatest President EVER! That would be the Republican Party. Now, I'm not a neo-conservative. My name is not Mark Foley, I don't date underage boys; and I'm not Ann Coulter, a closeted lesbian who likes to throw Jesus around like a toy. I'm more of a Reagan-era individual (if my understanding is correct). I believe in personal liability, but to a point. In Reaganomics, but also in a moderate level of personal investing that everyone needs to do.

Now, this "new" idea (which is really an old one): that we're personally responsible to a point is so controversial, the only people who think of it are those who think. It only makes sense. No Welfare if you can work, no Supplimental Security Income (SSI) if you are faking it (obviously). No free marijuana for the hippies, and no pity parties about people who are using Federal funds to leave New Orleans to go to California after "liberating" some plasma TVs. I save my pity for the people who truly did lose everything in that war (the War on Katrina :P) and who honestly want to rebuild. If you're from New Orleans and agree with me: that people who high-tailed it out of there don't deserve as much Federal assistance as those who still live in NO, comment here and let your voice be heard. It's time we let the "liberators of TVs" off Federal assistance so that the honest, hard-working folks can get back to living.

If you're a "liberator of TVs" and want some money, how about selling the plasma tv? You can easily get a few grand for one of them. If you left NO but didn't get any TVs, then you can have some Federal assistance (enough to get you a loan and food for a few months). Anyone who disagrees with me and thinks that the "liberators" and "fleers" should get the exact same amount of Federal assistance as the Heros who live in New Orleans can pack their bags and report to Gitmo, because it's un-American to give people who abandoned their friends and family to live in a mansion in California.

Now, I realize that not every "fleer" or "liberator" is living high off the hog. In fact, there's a few NO folk who go to school around where I live, and they certainly aren't living the good life. These people were merely displaced, they didn't leave at the first sign of hard times. They looked at the situation and said "We can't live like this" and went to somewhere nice like Maine or Oregon. These people are heros in their own right.

Now, about personal politics (after all, this blog is going to be a combination of political humor, politics, Colbertism, nerd stuff, and jokes). Marriage is a religious institution. It always has been and always will be. This "same sex marriage" stuff isn't a marriage. I know of no old-time (older than 50 years) religion that accepts these sort of unions under God. We seem to forget that God gave us the religious institution of marriage to signify a bond under His will.

This isn't to say I'm overly opposed to civil unions. You deserve to be happy (I suppose...) (lol), just don't call it marriage. Just because you founded a religion to call it marriage doesn't mean you should call it that. 90% of religious institutions prohibit civil unions for same sex couples. Note, that figure includes all religious institutions, including - but not limited to - cults and other small-time things. The "real" religions, those older than time (those at least several American generations old), all prohibit this stuff.

So, quit offending me and my sensibilities by calling it marriage! Dr. Colbert didn't die on the "Late Night with Conan O'Brian" show for you to offend his religion! If you have to do this, call it a civil union. It doesn't take anything away from it because it's nothing you'd ordinarily subscribe to (I know of no homosexual people who are devoutly religious. It seems to be a requirement in their community... Yes, I know quite a few (like I said "the Internets are a vast and wonderful place"), something like a few dozen or so (it happens when your ex-girlfriend has so many homosexual friends that you have to wonder if Peggy Sue is just her friend...)).

I'm a bit of a believer in Stephenological Colbertism. It's the believe system centered around Dr. Colbert and his own beliefs (and consequentially the beliefs of the Party). For instance, virginality is something redeemable (because we all make mistakes, and if you didn't enjoy it, you should be able to repent and get your virginality back). Also, the Party is right at all times, except for when it's wrong (which is never!).

Now, about virginality. I've had and lost his virginality a total of -42 times (yes, negative). How? Well I'm the typical Party member, we pass up every opportunity, then repent at the mere desire to have a thought about even dreaming about dating someone (as far as sleeping is concerned, we Party members sleep on a bed of rusty nails, something the ladies tend not to like. Of course, as we never date anyone (the more "leftist" of us date only Party members), this never comes up in a relationship). My goal in life is to be like Dr. Colbert, who - despite being married and having 3 kids - is still completely and utterly virginal. He did this all without needing to repent ever (immaculate conception?).

Finally, to my ex-girlfriend Carmen Electra (yes, a Party member, although since she never admits it, I know there'll be some naysayers. Just trust me, I dated her after all - before she was famous): you missed out on a good opportunity here. Why don't you just admit the facts and realize that I've moved on? It was 10 years ago, when will you stop pining over me after a night of drunken revelry?

I plan to write an entry whenever I feel like it. I once planned a weekly schedule, then realized my own thoughts are too fast for my fingers. So, rather than slowing my thoughts down to accomodate my fingers, I will just write whatever I feel like whenever I feel like it. Don't you just hate how fast and organized my Party-oriented mind is? Whenever we give up on ideas like pr0n, our minds speed up. It's been proven that Party members (or those who emulate them in virginality) think faster and more clearly than non-Party members. Just try it for a while (say, 6 months), you'll come out of it thinking so clearly, you'll wonder where the liberals get their crazy ideas.

The Real Me

Why I mention this: because my last blog failed because people couldn't tell that it was fiction, so a countless number of people got together and spammed it to death.

Also known as "legal notice that this is only Wikiality, not reality".

Rob The Architect is like Dr. Colbert: a character based off the ideas of the person. An extension to the extreme of the person's ideologies and behaviors. Don't take anything said on here too seriously. While it does in some way represent myself and my political self, it does so in a cartoonish manner. I am a fairly open-minded and decent person.

I don't have a problem with Dr. Colbert, and don't take him seriously. It's just a set of jokes to prove the incompetence of the Administration and make fun of (while still proclaiming the good of) the Party.

Also, the real me doesn't know Carmen Electra from before she was famous or anything like that. If her lawyer would like me to remove her name and all references, just send me an e-mail and I'll get to it (I doubt they will, since I'm not going to be wierd with my jokes and will just make it look like a supermodel is pining after an old, fat Party member she knew back in Junior High). I also don't date Party members only (admittedly, I probably would if only there were extremely few female Party members who aren't crazy. Alas, the majority of Party ladies are insane (Ann Coulter) :'( ).

As far as virginality is concerned, the issue is moot. As a Party member in real life, it's a bit outside of my bounds to confront my virginality before marriage (and then, even after. Dr. Colbert is famous for being the first person to retain their virginality completely after marriage).

E-mail address is at the top of the page.