Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Parade Magazine On Notice

Yep, a magazine's on notice now. Just remember, anyone and anything is up for any level of a threatdown at any time. You're never safe!

Anyway, in the latest installment of Parade magazine, they listed a lot of secular progressive propaganda. Things like "sex is good for you", "Socialized Medicine is a good idea", "Grow Young", "Hillary Clinton will win the election".

Wrong, Parade, wrong in every way. First of all, sex is bad, and should be avoided under penalty of death. Even married people shouldn't have sex. It's just that evil.

Second, socialized medicine is pure, unmitigated evil. If Baby Jesus wanted everyone to be healthy, he would've never given us disease (besides, it weeds out the weak). Youth is a very bad thing, and certainly you can never "grow young". If you even try, you'll die of a massive heart attack. Again, Baby Jesus' way of telling us to stop trying to mess with the natural order. The reason youth is bad: the young are stupid and squander their youth. Only the old should live everyone's lives. That's how it used to be, and that's how it should be.

Third, if Hillary Clinton wins the election, I'm moving to the moon (changing my "conquer the moon" goal to "colonize & conquer moon"), where I'll watch as the nuclear winter sets in.

Fourth, Marilyn (of "Ask Marilyn" fame) is the world's biggest intellectual, and that's just plain wrong! No one who has that high of an IQ (supposedly) should work at a pitiful magazine. The only time intellectualism is ever acceptable is when they're busy curing cancer or building a super-nuke that can kill everyone who subscribes to a certain, militant, Islamofascistic viewpoint (or is a secular progressive liberal hippie (but that's easy enough: bomb all the Starbucks during morning rush)). Since she's misusing her intelligence and is a pretty big secular progressive anyway, she's on double-notice (it's like a nail within a nail).

So, you're on notice. I'll monitor events to see if the magazine has even a hope of ever being saved. In the meantime, I ask that people boycott this publication and leave the liberalism out of the Sunday paper (after all, it's God's Day).

Secular Progressivism at its worst

Nation, this is a very sad day in Archland. It seems that the secular progressives have really lost it this time.

Yes, I realize the article is 6 months old, but this should've been exposed 3 years ago. It seems the liberals have written a book that blatantly promotes gay homosexuality as a "proper path" and calls those who don't think like they do "ignorant".

Well, Nation, it's time we showed them how things really are. I'm calling for an all-out ban on Canada lasting 2 weeks. If you're Canadian and can read this blog, immigrate immediately to save your soul. If you're non-Canadian, disassociate yourself with Canada and its peoples, and forget they ever existed.

No, Canada's not getting called out, put on notice, or anything else. The reason is simple: I haven't time to update the Boards and I'm too busy nailing other people to care about our lost neighbors to the North. Besides, Canada hosts Gitmo North, part of a multi-part series of Gitmos worldwide to re-educate the secular progressives and intern the terrorists until they tell us where they have bin Laden. WE KNOW YOU KNOW WHERE HE'S AT!!!!!

Saturday, March 17, 2007

The Last St. Paddy's Day?

Well, Nation, Dr. Colbert, in his infinate wisdom, has had a premonition about St. Patrick's day.

After some time to let the pain settle down, I must tell you all the Truth: there will be no more St. Patrick's Day.

Unfortunately, it seems the people of that entire kingdom (the kingdom of the united, to be precise) are identical in every way. In fact, the differences that people have seen for centuries has been the result of people too drunk (with power or libation) or stupid (re: drunk) to see the similarities.

Dr. Colbert broke this horrific news on 3-15-07, giving us two whole days to cry and drink the memory out of us all. It seems the only way to save St. Paddy's Day is to genetically modify the English (the dogs they are), so that they more represent Antarcticans than anything else. Unfortunately, the English are already drawing up plans to modify/kill the Irish, and thanks to their "British Engineering", are almost guaranteed to finish before "Inebriated Irishmen" come close to figuring out how to power such a machine off pure potato power.

So, I'll tell you the tale of the last St. Paddy's Day from my perspective: I slept. As an Architecturalist (and more importantly, as The Architect), I'm not supposed to drink (unless there's plenty of beer and it's about to mysteriously "go bad" in a sealed can in a refrigerator). So, I slept off the majority of the day, wondering if I might wake up to a nuclear winter (a lot of loyalty in the St. Paddy's Day tradition). Fortunately, that wasn't the case (unfortunately, San Frangaydo and Massaheretics still exist).

Hopefully the English can save St. Paddy's Day without taking away the true heroes of it: the Irish. I'd rather see them destroy the Scottish (don't you know they're all cross-dressing freaks of nature?) or perhaps the Welsh (although they make good grape juice, they're horrible cheats!). Then we can re-name the Irish the (afflicted group that was decimated), and the (afflicted, decimated group) the Irish. See, I just saved St. Paddy's Day!

For this, St. Patrick's Day (3-17) is now an Architectural holiday, for the grand salvation of the United Kingdom (minus the Scottish/Welsh) by RTA. Victory dance time!

Pat Robertson

Well, Nation, after a little mix-up at the Colbert Nation, I've decided to do a little piece on Pat Robertson, the Greatest Preacher Ever (not to be confused with the GPE, GWB).

Well, little is known about Mr. Robertson (other than that he's not related to Mrs. Roberson of the Beatles fame). He's a patriot, that much is true. He continually makes Baby Jesus happy through is ministries, and is a sub-Architect in Architecturalism.

He was born in 1757 in Delaware (AKA first American state) by God, after God called out the Limeys because of their liking of tea, and has approximately 30% of Jesus' power. Basically, he's allergic to nails and lacks Jesus' staying power when around them.

Pat is a proud supporter of our troops, and has even served a record 42 terms in Iraq (simultaneous terms because he can clone himself). He's fought in every war since the Revolutionary war (some have confuse him with Gen. Washington. He is Gen. Washington), and has lead this Nation to greatness time and again.

Above that, he's a strict prohibitionist (never touched alcohol in his life), and strict celibate (his children are of equally divine origin). His wife is a resurrected Mary Magdalane (Virgin Mary doesn't like people named "Pat"), and she's a very big fan as leader of the men-only Bible group. She can preach so loud, you can hear it in the bell tower.

Pat currently leads several missions to Jerusalem, where he'll complete his world-famous "Seven Thousand Foot-tall Steeple", which will house a 1000-foot tall Jesus statue made entirely out of gold (no frankincense and myrrh could be found in such vast quantities). Current estimates place it as costing 2 million after-church brunches and 66 6-hour funding telethons. It will be built through "faith, charity and infidels (labor)", and will be completed as soon as "God grants" and "so long as God doesn't grant me another vision" (we all know how divine intervention just destroys your building plans with massive upgrades for that very necessary series of plasma tvs and 7.1 surround sound throughout the building).

Pat's ultimate goal in life is to succeed RTA (me) as the second Architect. After that, he plans to "revamp" Architecturalism with some "very necessary, but secret" improvements (along the lines of saving every non-Architecturalist out there and waging a massive holy war against the FSM). For this, he's punitively "On Notice" until he apologizes to Baby Jesus.

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Clot of Cheney

Lately, it seems Vice GPE(!) Cheney has had all the bad luck. From his various heart attacks to his misaligned rifle scope, he's been in some tough spots. However, this last week has been especially hard on him.

From Islamofacists trying to blow him up (don't they know he's invincible?) to those 65 hours on a plane, he's had a tough time. So, let's welcome him back to God's Country and remind him that he's perfectly safe in the Cave (the only underground bunker superior (in only the smallest way) to the ColCave (Dr. Colbert's underground bunker. The Cave is superior in that it is a smaller word, and has a nanometer more shielding around it (Dr. Colbert opted instead to gold-plate the door to his own private room)).

In the meantime, let's bring out Mr. Cheney's clone, the "Prime Minister of Australia", to cover for him. Surely Australia won't totally plunge into chaos in the weeks it would be without it's Cheney Clone, it would only mostly plunge into chaos. Well, God's Country's bigger and more important, so we subvert Australia's "independence" to enact an Architectuaral Order: Release your Cheney Clone to us, or all Architecturalists will put you On Notice.

That's right, my fellow Architecturalists. We're calling out Australia. They have 2 weeks to give us their Prime Minister, or we're putting them On Notice. If, by the time Mr. Cheney's fully recovered, they haven't even apologized, Australia is Dead to Us.

I, Lewis "Scooter" Libby, fought in the Plame Affair... and lost.. for now

Architecturalists everywhere are saddened today by the vicious destruction of a Party member. Yes, as of this morning, "Scooter" Libby lost the Plame Affair. He fought hard and valiently, but ultimately, the Plames of Wikiality called him out to a battle to great to handle.

Mr. Libby fought five battles, and won only one. Where were you, Nation? Why didn't you come to aid Mr. Libby in a valient fight for the Truth?

Fortunately, there's still time to help out. The GPE(!) might pardon Mr. Libby, and in the meantime, I suggest we boycott liberal shows like "Meet the Press" (hosted by the vile Tim Russert) and pile billions of dollars to bribe the judges... err pay for Mr. Libby's legal fees...

For those Architecturalists who feel there's more to be done, drop by the Arch and purchase my newest book "How to Break a Fellow Party Member Out of Jail", and request your advance copy of my follow-up book, "So You're in Jail for Trying to Break a Party Member Out: A Traditionalist's Survival Guide to Live on the Inside". They're sure to be best sellers on the Architect Best-Seller List, and they're great for silencing any liberal hippies (just throw it and forget it).