Friday, January 26, 2007


Architecturalism is my little spin-off of Stephenological Colbertism.

I disagree on things like "the 7 day week" - if God handed Stephen the Keys to the Castle on the 8th day, there should be 8 days in the week. In Architecturalism, this is called "Threatday", a day of threatening everyone you can. Obviously, to work this out with the Earth's natural rotation, we had to cut out February and March, but what can you do? If you have a birthday during those months, just move it - pick a random date that you like, and make that your new birthday (mine is May 13).

I also disagree on Dr. Colbert's divinity. We Architecturalists believe that Dr. Colbert an important person, but that he's not divine. Sure, God gave him control of the universe, but unknown to Dr. Colbert, God still has the last word. In fact, it's the only reason that Dr. Colbert hasn't forced Iran to just up an die: because God won't let him. As you can see, we're less about disagreeing on Dr. Colbert's divinity as we are against God's control of Dr. Colbert's power.

Most importantly, we disagree on asexuality. We believe that asexuality is a condition Dr. Colbert gave us so that we may devote our time more fully to his ministry. In Architecturalism, asexuality is the desired state, above virginality (because it's a gift from Dr. Colbert). In order to be asexual, you must either remove your organs (all of them, save for your heart and gut), or you must simply accept that after 40 years of living, you're never going to have sexual relations with anyone other than Brittany Spears (and only after she's had half the liquor in the great state of New York).

We also disagree on the afterlife. In Architecturalism, we feel that if you adhere to the faith, you get sucked into a 24/7 broadcast of the Colbert Report. Should you tire of that, you can go to the O'Reilly Factor or Fox News. If you just generally don't want intelligent reporting, you are left to wander the universe with Tek Jansen, and if you're really good, you're given the option of being one of his "hundreds of girlfriends" (if you're a male, you're reassigned, or given the option to be Tek for the (moments, as you've inferior self-control) it takes to... sure).

Of course, we also believe in a lot of SC's beliefs. For instance, we agree that bears are evil (as are sharks); but we extend this to include other evil animals, like dogs (vicious killing machines) and lobsters (they're fast, clamping machines); and we even add a new category: flying things (we hate bees and owls). We agree on the Colbible (read above about "7 day week"), and the importance of Tek Jansen to the ministry, to a point. In SC, he's just a person, but in Architecturalism, he's the future messiah of our people (he and his hundreds of girlfriends).

There are countless other items we believe in that differ from Stephenological Colbertism. I won't list them all, because every day, Baby Jesus leads me to develop Architecturalism more and more.

In Truthiness, we believe in a good 95% of Stephenological Colbertism, and don't want anything jihad-y to happen here. We just want to live in peace, and fight the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster alongside our SC compatriots. If Dr. Colbert calls us out to defend our faith, it'll have to be on our terms. Why? Because if we just willy-nilly got called out and fought the secular progressives, we'd look like jihadists, and that's not what we're about. So, take some time, Dr. Colbert, and think on what it means to call us out. Do you really want to get nailed on your own show?

I'll soon dedicate an entire website to our beliefs, and in the meantime, you can join Architecturalism by e-mailing me (provided at the top of the screen), with a subject title of "I want to be an Architecturalist". Until then, may Tek save the Nation!

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