Thursday, January 25, 2007

Why George W. Bush is the Greatest President EVER!

Well, it's no surprise to fellow Colbinistas that GWB is the Greatest President EVER! Still, there's some liberal hippies who disagree. Well, I'd like to persuade you to the Truth.

First off, what more do you need to be great than to lead God's Country (that's America for you non-Colbinistas) in a glorious war to defeat the tyrants of the world? Better yet, he's even offered to establish democracy (but not democrat-ism) in these newly saved countries. After that, he's going to teach them the ways of Baby Jesus, and the ways of the Party. In short, he's going to make the world like God's Country, and with this, God is well pleased...

No other great President responded so well to the various crises that have presented themselves during the rightful reign of the Administration.

9/11 was a great moment for him. Grand speeches and an opportunity to offer the common individual a sense that "we'll get them back", it was a time when he truly shined. He led us through a grave disaster and organized us all (except the evil Dixie Chicks, who are dead to me) so that we could come back (The Empire Strikes Back, if you will).

Katrina was his crowning achievement, a city upon a hill of how to handle a crisis. What better way to help them out than to fly around in a helicopter and direct traffic? Better yet, he purposefully saved Federal aid until the last minute to prevent all the con artists and hippies from taking it all. Don't you see, he was helping God's Country by sacrificing a few.

In 2007, the Greatest President EVER! will save us all from impending nuclear blasts by sacrificing the city of San Francisco for the Cause (admittedly SF is just full of liberal hippies). In retaliation, he'll invade Canada and finally bring our rebellious cousins to order.

Who can argue with his policy? From domestic politics to foreign issues, he's continually proven that he is truly the GPE! From saving Federal aid to Katrina victims until after the con artists left to cutting the national debt down to a mere $0.02 (that part is yours, Nation), he's single-handedly saved us all from economic downfall.

Then there's his education policy. NCLB was a step in the right direction, but as he is the GPE!, he'll soon offer to "up the ante" by training our children to kill their rivals in business (literally). After that, it's a short hop to training kids to kill all bears and sharks (and horses and jellyfish), making God's Country the safest country EVER!

He's also opposed to every social service that liberal hippies use instead of getting a job. He also opposes anti-global climate change initiatives because they harm God's Country's economic potential. He even opposes privacy rights (because if you worry about it, you must be a terrorist), something I oppose heavily as well (I've even wiretapped my own phone and computer. I sleep better knowing the FBI, DHS and NSA all know what I'm talking about and writing about).

He's even pro-oil, which you can't find anywhere else in subsequent attempts by others to become the GPE! I personally drink a gallon of raw, unfiltered oil every day for breakfast, to lubricate my body for the day's truth-telling. It's my hope that Mr. President will drill enough oil to let me do this until the day I die.

But, the greatest of his policies is on this oft-heard-of,-but-never-experienced-by-my-virginal-self, sex. He's completely against it, something I'm in total agreement on. It destroys your mind, and makes you want to sleep all day long. Fortunately for us all, he's slowly outlawing this insane practice, which should boost productivity across the board.

Read my post on it, available here.

He's the decider. It's a true test of anyone's greatness to decide every major decision and to consequentially get them all right.

He's truly the greatest President EVER!, and unlike what Dr. Colbert says, he'll never stop being President. Know how? He's going to skillfully change his name and run as both the Democrat and Republican candidates in 2008, proving just how great he is! He'll keep doing this until the day he "dies" (in 9595, after we're all Raptured, Jesus will allow him to lead the world. I say "dies" because he'll be sent to Heaven to get his orders from Jesus Himself).

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