Saturday, March 17, 2007

Pat Robertson

Well, Nation, after a little mix-up at the Colbert Nation, I've decided to do a little piece on Pat Robertson, the Greatest Preacher Ever (not to be confused with the GPE, GWB).

Well, little is known about Mr. Robertson (other than that he's not related to Mrs. Roberson of the Beatles fame). He's a patriot, that much is true. He continually makes Baby Jesus happy through is ministries, and is a sub-Architect in Architecturalism.

He was born in 1757 in Delaware (AKA first American state) by God, after God called out the Limeys because of their liking of tea, and has approximately 30% of Jesus' power. Basically, he's allergic to nails and lacks Jesus' staying power when around them.

Pat is a proud supporter of our troops, and has even served a record 42 terms in Iraq (simultaneous terms because he can clone himself). He's fought in every war since the Revolutionary war (some have confuse him with Gen. Washington. He is Gen. Washington), and has lead this Nation to greatness time and again.

Above that, he's a strict prohibitionist (never touched alcohol in his life), and strict celibate (his children are of equally divine origin). His wife is a resurrected Mary Magdalane (Virgin Mary doesn't like people named "Pat"), and she's a very big fan as leader of the men-only Bible group. She can preach so loud, you can hear it in the bell tower.

Pat currently leads several missions to Jerusalem, where he'll complete his world-famous "Seven Thousand Foot-tall Steeple", which will house a 1000-foot tall Jesus statue made entirely out of gold (no frankincense and myrrh could be found in such vast quantities). Current estimates place it as costing 2 million after-church brunches and 66 6-hour funding telethons. It will be built through "faith, charity and infidels (labor)", and will be completed as soon as "God grants" and "so long as God doesn't grant me another vision" (we all know how divine intervention just destroys your building plans with massive upgrades for that very necessary series of plasma tvs and 7.1 surround sound throughout the building).

Pat's ultimate goal in life is to succeed RTA (me) as the second Architect. After that, he plans to "revamp" Architecturalism with some "very necessary, but secret" improvements (along the lines of saving every non-Architecturalist out there and waging a massive holy war against the FSM). For this, he's punitively "On Notice" until he apologizes to Baby Jesus.

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